“Find what you love, and let it kill you.” In 2005, I wrote this Charles Bukowski quote on a Post-It and displayed it over my monitor at my San Francisco ad agency job, where I spent eighty-plus hours a week, including regular overnights, plied with Adderall from the boss’s stash. This was a normal part of our office’s—and advertising’s—culture; overwork was not only expected, but worn as a badge of honor. I carried my BlackBerry with pride, thrilled to be deemed important enough that the agency wanted me reachable at all times.
“This narrative has sold a shitload of conference tickets, digital courses, and coaching packages, but it wasn't my real life, and it isn't anyone's real life. It's a fabrication.”
Thank you for that brilliant piece of truth. It’s what a o many hard-working artists/designers /entrepreneurs need to know.
I was an entrepreneur for the last 30 years ..working my ass off doing the trade shows crying at 11 o’clock at night while I’m taking down the booth by myself and questioning why, when I tell people I’m busy and they say well that’s a good problem ,I feel bad for complaining well all the while I’m exhausted mess.
I never got the fame that you did. I watched all of the companies with the cool girls at the helm and wondered how the heck did you do it?
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing!
PS I am a neighbor right down the street and I’d love to have you over to my garden some time for some tea☺️
Welcome to hell! Lolslol kidding. I love you so much and what a fucking treat to read you regularly, Emily McDowell, Writer. Thank you for your craft and thank you for your words and thank you for making me cry but laugh in an aesthetically pleasing content environment.
Fuuuuuck. I can’t (but totally can) believe what I just read. This might sound weird but bare with me – i keep thinking of Glennon Doyle and how she wrote in Untamed about her eating disorder; how her family and everyone around her thought she was crazy but actually, she was just paying attention. Attention to the messages young girls are bombarded with about their weight, appearance, etc. I think of you and your story as the result of someone who paid very close attention to messages from/about workplace culture and how we “should” work. Just… fuck. What a whirlwind. Of course you were and are grateful for so much AND in long-term recovery. Thank you for writing and sharing this. You didn’t have to but I can only imagine how many people you’ll “save” from chasing the illusions of going viral, and what *actually* comes from it.
The part about hoping you get a mild illness that would require a break is so validating. Thank you for naming that feeling and sharing your story. Also, I love your “You read all the way to the end. You might as well subscribe” note. I may borrow it for my newsletter is that’s ok!
I read the email til the very end and hit subscribe. :) You are such a good writer - I've always enjoyed your tales from the creative business trenches. I also met you in person when this all went down at the Stationery Show? I was so excited to meet you and I had no idea how much pressure was on you but it makes total sense. I'm glad you survived this insane time and are working on healing your body.
I could read whole books written by you, Emily. It must have been so hard to keep everything up. Thank you for sharing this, I think many of us could learn from it.
Holy moly...wow wow wow! That sounded completely insane!!! Thanks for sharing! I graduated around the same time you did, went into graphic design agency work (which is about 1/3 as crazy as Ad Life, but still crazy) then started my own art business....all under the same work=purpose=total-point-in-life motivation (thanks for the reminder of that cultural context). My business didn’t even touch the fame yours got and I worked my ass off. I have autoimmune/adrenal issues too, so I can empathize...it’s like what I experienced x10. It really is okay to be grateful for that success and also say it was too much at the same time, because it was. No recovery, no planning, so strategy...not even a moment to hire for the next wave of popularity - wow! Thanks for writing about your experience...our culture needs a shift and any voices out there is helpful as we are all finding our way to a sustainable, truly joyful, authentic life.
I haven’t been on this viral ride, but I have had what I thought was a dream job that felt like a nightmare. I remember biking to work and hoping for a mild accident so I didn’t have to go in. (Did I *really* want to be injured? Of course not -- I just needed a break.) I so relate now to your paragraph about cortisol and deadlines bringing anxiety. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to more
Amazing piece and so timely for me to read this as I just got into a new job that is starting to tax me in a way I know is dangerous. Thank you for this. I look forward to reading more and learning from your journey.
I get it! I was part of a PR project that went way beyond all expectations and the client’s very sincere and totally traumatized response was, “It’s the Titanic and we’re all going down!”
Emily, you and I met back in 2008 or so, when I was recruiting for a prestigious Portland ad agency and shortly before you "blew up". As a ad-agency refugee who's poured herself into her own product and brand and is experiencing creative and existential burnout at a level I never thought possible, I read this like a conversation we were having over coffee. I needed to read this exactly when I did. Thank you for voicing what so many "successful" women "living their passion" feel too unsafe to do. It's a huge gift.
Thanks for sharing your story. I had a different beginning than you, but same outcome with my health. I’m in the ‘refocus/rebuild life’ part of the story right now and turned to writing and substack in February of this year. I read to the end, subscribed and look forward to the next instalment. KVB.
It makes my own (much smaller) journey feel so much more normal and okay. Thank you for lighting the path, and being so generous with sharing along the way.
“This narrative has sold a shitload of conference tickets, digital courses, and coaching packages, but it wasn't my real life, and it isn't anyone's real life. It's a fabrication.”
Thank you for that brilliant piece of truth. It’s what a o many hard-working artists/designers /entrepreneurs need to know.
I was an entrepreneur for the last 30 years ..working my ass off doing the trade shows crying at 11 o’clock at night while I’m taking down the booth by myself and questioning why, when I tell people I’m busy and they say well that’s a good problem ,I feel bad for complaining well all the while I’m exhausted mess.
I never got the fame that you did. I watched all of the companies with the cool girls at the helm and wondered how the heck did you do it?
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing!
PS I am a neighbor right down the street and I’d love to have you over to my garden some time for some tea☺️
Welcome to hell! Lolslol kidding. I love you so much and what a fucking treat to read you regularly, Emily McDowell, Writer. Thank you for your craft and thank you for your words and thank you for making me cry but laugh in an aesthetically pleasing content environment.
xoxoxo
Fuuuuuck. I can’t (but totally can) believe what I just read. This might sound weird but bare with me – i keep thinking of Glennon Doyle and how she wrote in Untamed about her eating disorder; how her family and everyone around her thought she was crazy but actually, she was just paying attention. Attention to the messages young girls are bombarded with about their weight, appearance, etc. I think of you and your story as the result of someone who paid very close attention to messages from/about workplace culture and how we “should” work. Just… fuck. What a whirlwind. Of course you were and are grateful for so much AND in long-term recovery. Thank you for writing and sharing this. You didn’t have to but I can only imagine how many people you’ll “save” from chasing the illusions of going viral, and what *actually* comes from it.
The part about hoping you get a mild illness that would require a break is so validating. Thank you for naming that feeling and sharing your story. Also, I love your “You read all the way to the end. You might as well subscribe” note. I may borrow it for my newsletter is that’s ok!
Can’t wait for part 2 ❤️🩹
Thank you -- and that's totally ok!
I read the email til the very end and hit subscribe. :) You are such a good writer - I've always enjoyed your tales from the creative business trenches. I also met you in person when this all went down at the Stationery Show? I was so excited to meet you and I had no idea how much pressure was on you but it makes total sense. I'm glad you survived this insane time and are working on healing your body.
Thank you so much Beth! Really happy to see you here.
I could read whole books written by you, Emily. It must have been so hard to keep everything up. Thank you for sharing this, I think many of us could learn from it.
Marloes! Thank you. <3
Holy moly...wow wow wow! That sounded completely insane!!! Thanks for sharing! I graduated around the same time you did, went into graphic design agency work (which is about 1/3 as crazy as Ad Life, but still crazy) then started my own art business....all under the same work=purpose=total-point-in-life motivation (thanks for the reminder of that cultural context). My business didn’t even touch the fame yours got and I worked my ass off. I have autoimmune/adrenal issues too, so I can empathize...it’s like what I experienced x10. It really is okay to be grateful for that success and also say it was too much at the same time, because it was. No recovery, no planning, so strategy...not even a moment to hire for the next wave of popularity - wow! Thanks for writing about your experience...our culture needs a shift and any voices out there is helpful as we are all finding our way to a sustainable, truly joyful, authentic life.
Thank you Beth! I'm both happy and sorry to hear how much you can relate.
I haven’t been on this viral ride, but I have had what I thought was a dream job that felt like a nightmare. I remember biking to work and hoping for a mild accident so I didn’t have to go in. (Did I *really* want to be injured? Of course not -- I just needed a break.) I so relate now to your paragraph about cortisol and deadlines bringing anxiety. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to more
Amazing piece and so timely for me to read this as I just got into a new job that is starting to tax me in a way I know is dangerous. Thank you for this. I look forward to reading more and learning from your journey.
I get it! I was part of a PR project that went way beyond all expectations and the client’s very sincere and totally traumatized response was, “It’s the Titanic and we’re all going down!”
Oh jeez. Yep.
Emily, you and I met back in 2008 or so, when I was recruiting for a prestigious Portland ad agency and shortly before you "blew up". As a ad-agency refugee who's poured herself into her own product and brand and is experiencing creative and existential burnout at a level I never thought possible, I read this like a conversation we were having over coffee. I needed to read this exactly when I did. Thank you for voicing what so many "successful" women "living their passion" feel too unsafe to do. It's a huge gift.
Robin! Thank you so much (and I absolutely remember you). Sending you a note on IG. ❤️
Thanks for sharing your story. I had a different beginning than you, but same outcome with my health. I’m in the ‘refocus/rebuild life’ part of the story right now and turned to writing and substack in February of this year. I read to the end, subscribed and look forward to the next instalment. KVB.
I appreciate you sharing your story. I hope the telling of it is healing and brings you closer to your whole self. What a journey!
Your writing and vulnerability continue to amaze and inspire.
Thank you Kristi.
heck yes! how did i miss you here? so glad to see your stuff on a platform i love more each day.
Hi!!!
MY SOUL SOOOOO NEEDED TO READ THIS!!!!
It makes my own (much smaller) journey feel so much more normal and okay. Thank you for lighting the path, and being so generous with sharing along the way.
Simone! Thank YOU! All of that right back at you.