"Reading this paragraph makes me want to break up with myself and block my number." Sentences like these keep me addicted to your posts Emily. Seriously, I appreciate all the healing avenues you have pursued. You have many gifts, but writing may be #1 IMHO.
Sometimes I hate commenting on things like this when I feel I have nothing to contribute, I mean, really, who am I, right?
But this just resonates so much (every time you post it does!). I felt the burnout creep in for me about 3-4 years ago, even took a few months sabbatical 2 years ago thinking that was the lowest I could go only to learn last year under a toxic work environment that it could get a LOT worse. I now feel pretty rock bottom, I just turned 38 and already frustrated that I feel like I'm just wasting away the best years of my life because I'm so unmotivated and lost all ambition and passion now, I don't know what to do and I don't know how to leave my job (mostly, too, because there remains a sliver of possibility I can find myself again here, and heal enough TO go look for something else).
I've also tried 90% of the healing modalities you mentioned, and reading that list also makes me want to break up with myself lolol. I'm also curious about how you found gluten was the ultimate cause of your depression. Recently I tried a keto diet for 3 weeks after hearing a psychologist summarizing studies that it helps people with bi-polar and schizophrenia more often than not. I did feel marginally better, but not enough to know if it was cutting out gluten and carbs. And recently psychiatrist told me that due to being as burned out as I am, it's too difficult to determine anything else that could be wrong (and also they couldn't really do anything about the burnout, which felt so great to hear *cue eyeroll).
Maybe my question is: what is some of the bad advice you've received over the years? With anything, health, career, finance, etc
I ask that because one of the things I hate hearing the most is "you just need to be more active!" and people asking "well how much do you exercise?! you should go for walks!" (I'm saying this in my head with blonde valley girl high pitched voice as mockery btw). One of the last times I was in a depression hole (and not burned out), I picked up running to cope. I ended up running ultramarathons and did weightlifting competitions after discovering how much I liked it when taking some crossfit classes. I feel like I know how exercise affects me. But in burnout, most activity makes me feel much worse, and the more guilt and shame I put on myself to "do more!" like going for a walk or going to the gym, really just spirals me out and makes my burnout and therefore depression so much worse. My therapist finally told me to stop trying to go for walks and just sit outside. And I'm finally realizing what people mean when they say that Rest is literally the only solution to burnout. I'm not sure what you think of that, seemingly on the other side of it?
Hi Milla, thank you so much for your patience and for this question. OK, first -- I gave a detailed answer to someone else about how I figured out gluten was the ultimate cause of my depression, so read that if you haven't already.
I am, in fact, on the other side of burnout, and my biggest learning was REST IS LITERALLY THE ONLY SOLUTION. And the kind of rest that feels good to YOU, in your body. And when you're also judging yourself for resting, or feeling like you should be doing it more productively (like going for walks), this is not actually resting. I spent so many hours just sitting on my front steps drinking coffee and zoning out. Sitting out there long after my coffee was gone, literally doing nothing, not even really thinking. Not meditating, not exercising, not optimizing any aspect of myself. Being a tree, basically. And I really, really needed to do that. In burnout, I think one of the primary purposes of pure rest is to teach your nervous system/body that you are someone to be trusted. That you're willing to listen to it and (finally) give it what it wants/needs, make decisions according to its best interests, and not try to change it or make it wrong.
I am wary of any kind of prescriptive advice, in general, that doesn't first take into account your own intuition. I think a lot of advice is a regurgitation/reinforcement of mainstream cultural conditioning about how we "should" be doing things, but when you step back and look at WHY this kind of advice is being given, the reasons are pretty fucked up.
I spent my 20s and 30s following mainstream culture's advice about how my body should look, yo-yo dieting with Atkins and keto and Weight Watchers, purely in an effort to be smaller, not to get to the bottom of any physical or mental pain I was experiencing. I exercised because mainstream culture (and men I dated, cool) told me it was necessary in order to change what I looked like, which made me hate and resent exercise because I perceived it as, effectively, a punishment for existing. I've had to do so much work in my 40s to undo that, and it's STILL hard sometimes.
Career advice -- god, I bought into the whole gospel of Steve Jobs-startup-culture bullshit, your work is the most important thing you'll ever do, achievement will make you happy, you must be extraordinary in order to be worthy of anything good, find what you love and let it kill you, success requires misery and sacrifice, I could go on forever!!! All that shit worked for me from the outside, but absolutely murdered me on the inside, and ultimately the body wins. Now that I've taken the time to actually get to know myself and be willing to accept and love what's here, I can recognize that my introvert, spacey, quiet self was spectacularly ill-suited for the intensity and harshness of a career in advertising, and for taking Em & Friends in the direction I took it.
I don't know why I didn't get a notification for this reply (or did and was so caught up in the latest BS I missed it?)
THIS IS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL.
Yes, everything you said here absolutely resonates. I'm also in the process of unlearning that career advice. On a happy note, though, I did end up leaving my job (got caught in one of the big tech layoffs actually!) and I had so many friends and old coworkers rally to my aid that I was able to accept a new job offer before my severance was up. I'm 3 weeks in and it's a dream job for me (as in it's fun and rejuvenating) with a dream team at a very supportive company; and because of all that, I am well on my way to healing my burnout. I am becoming a voice of "do less" here that I hope others will be able to listen to, though from what I've seen, people are thoughtful and appreciative of "work-life balance" (whatever that really means lol).
Wait! I have a simpler question, about the tattooed eyebrows and eyeliner. Were you scared they would mess up and you'd have something that looked drawn on or too heavy?
My best advice on this is, first, GO TO A REALLY GOOD PERSON. I know you're in NYC, but to anyone else reading: if you need to travel to a larger city to find someone whose work you really love, it's worth it. Cosmetic tattoo artists have social media accounts where they post their work, and Google reviews with photos are also your friend. I looked at tons of people before I booked with Christen (Browtendre, in Glendale CA, just northeast of LA), so I knew I liked her work.
Before your appointment, they will do a consultation with you, and this is a great time to talk about any questions/fears and the kind of look you want, and do a vibe check to make sure you feel heard, comfortable, etc. You can show them photos of yourself with makeup on, and it's very helpful to point out any pics of their work you particularly like or that feel like "nope, too much!"
When I went in for my appointment, Christen drew in the shape of my brows first, and mixed up the ink customized for me, so we could look at the color together. After doing all this, I wasn't scared. The person you go to should also offer a touch-up appointment if needed, once it's healed, as part of the deal. (Christen offers this but I didn't need them.)
I did my brows first, in 2018, and my eyeliner in 2022. The way she did the liner, it sort of built up, so she stopped after doing one pass and checked in with me to see if I wanted her to keep going (I did).
The skin on your face turns over much faster than on the rest of your body, and I believe the tattoos are also less deep than regular tattoos, so you typically will need a touch-up every 18 months to 2 years. Mine have lasted a little longer, I've had my brows touched up twice and I haven't needed liner! The brows didn't really hurt and the liner hurt like a mother, and I'm covered in tattoos. Also, I did my lips (an all-over, very natural blush pink) at the same time I did my brows in 2018, and even with tons of numbing cream it was so painful that I was like NOPE NOT DOING THAT AGAIN. It was pretty but it only lasted less than a year -- lips are the fastest to fade, I think.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the “coach discourse”. I too am a coach, a certified Wayfinder. I started my coaching practice after chronic illness took over my life and forced me out of the career I spent 20+ years building. The focus of my work - leadership coaching for people who exist outside of our culture’s male, extroverted ideal of leadership - is an area in which I have deep professional experience. I also utilize an anti-capitalist pricing model, as the coaching industry’s culture of more, more, more makes me want to vomit. I am not the only coach I know who has deep expertise in their area of focus and who isn’t interested in charging exorbitant rates. I know many who approach their work this way.
All of this is completely antithetical to how people talk about coaching more broadly. It’s an industry with the same problem as most industries. There are some bad actors doing bad things. I struggle with how to talk about being a coach without sounding defensive. Which I am, admittedly. Would love your thoughts.
Ugh, the coach discourse! I think that as coaches, we are inherently closer to Coach World and therefore also more aware of the bad actors/folks who give it a bad name. Due to the algorithm and the fact that I have a few coach friends, my IG feed shows me a lot of people trying to sell questionable-sounding programs, charging 30k to learn how to manifest THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS, or teaching me how to coach other coaches. And, of course, the people trying to build some sort of weird empire are also almost always the ones who are the most public-facing with their coaching work on social media, paying for placement, playing to the algorithm so their stuff gets more exposure, etc.
But when I get outside of the world of coaching and talk to, for example, my best friend of 35 years who teaches middle school, she's like "what's a coach?" So I suspect that our perception of how others perceive coaching is probably overly skewed towards the negative, and I try to remember this when positioning myself or when I start to feel defensive.
(And, I'm also not working as solely (or even primarily) a coach... so I admittedly haven't had to talk about it a lot yet. I did the Wayfinder program as a way to add more skills and depth to my work as an advisor and mentor to entrepreneurs, and to help with group facilitation. So I haven't really "come out" as a coach!)
This is really helpful, thank you so much! I'm seeing it in some non-coach spaces, but this is a great reminder that even from a wider view, it's still a skewed perspective. I care a great deal about my work and integrity, and that's all I can control. I think I'll do some more thinking around why I feel defensive and try to excavate (or even just reposition) those beliefs. As it always does, my defensiveness says more about me than anyone else. I really appreciate your thoughts, thank you!!
Which of your healing modalities were the most significant aside from giving up gluten? I would love to hear more about your inflammation diet and how you stick to it, it’s incredibly hard. Yes foods, no foods, and if it makes a difference. I have been down the rabbit hole of modalities since being exposed to mold and nothing seems to work for me. It’s always a joy to hear from you.🙏🏻❤️
Okay, so part one of your question: diet (beyond gluten, more in a sec), breathwork, somatic therapy, eastern medicine. And, not a healing modality per se, but I can't overstate the importance of stress reduction, through the process of redefining what success looked and felt like for me, and making some big life changes. I stopped pushing myself as hard as I had for the last 15 years, and stopped involving myself in some relationship dynamics and situations that contributed to my stress and drained me energetically, and this was a huge factor in the effectiveness of everything else.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with seven tumors in my thyroid that were initially thought to be thyroid cancer. Two biopsies and a specialist lab later, docs determined they weren't cancer, and the source of the tumors was autoimmune; I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism. After feeling great in 2019-2020, 2021 had brought the gnarliest phase of perimenopause, and I felt perpetually tired and just sort of increasingly shitty. And by September of 2022, when I was diagnosed with the above (and at the same time, a meningioma brain tumor and chronic occipital nerve headache), I felt really run-down, exhausted, brain fog, puffy and inflamed.
I tried taking thyroid hormone and had an awful reaction to it, so with the support of my doctor, I decided to try the AIP (Autoimmune Protocol) diet to see if I could improve my thyroid function that way. It worked incredibly well! After 10 weeks on AIP, all my thyroid blood work was normal and I felt infinitely better. At the same time I started AIP, I began going to an Eastern medicine clinic called The Healing Order, which had been recommended to me by several people, and started a major regimen of Chinese herbs and supplements.(Of course, not covered by insurance. Major privilege to be able to do this.)
When I began reintroducing foods after 10 weeks on AIP, I learned that my body does not tolerate corn, soy, or dairy -- all of them cause similar inflammatory symptoms to gluten for me, just milder, plus GI issues for soy and dairy. SUCH A BUMMER. But the way I feel without them in my diet is like night and day. My thyroid numbers are optimal. I have energy, I don't get headaches and joint pain, the back pain I've had since I was 19 is gone. (I lost a little bit of weight, but not a ton, like not enough to result in reduced joint pain or other symptoms.)
Does it suck to have to stick to it? Yes. One million percent. But honestly it's not that hard, because it actually works for me. A lot of stuff didn't work or felt questionable (like loooooots of supplements from functional medicine docs over the years) and I always struggled to stick with things when I didn't know if they were working.
It's so frustrating that healing seems to be so individual when dealing with autoimmune, mold, virus, etc. issues. One of my best friends has been healing from mold exposure for years (fwiw, she eats the same way I do), but another one with chronic viral issues didn't respond to AIP at all. It's so much trial and error and I wish I had any kind of universal answer, but this has been my experience. xoxo
I’m curious about this too! That paragraph about trying “ALL the things” resonated so deeply. I’ve also been dealing with mold-related health issues and they are SO tough. Sending you love and support for dealing with that too 💛
Thank you for sharing this! It's all so fascinating... AND I'm exhausted just by reading about you went through! So glad you finally figured out what works for your body after that wild ride. I did some of the AIP stuff (and the billions of supplements/herbs etc. stuff) during a long bout with secondary infertility, but didn't stick with it long enough to reintroduce food groups carefully and figure out what my issues were/may be. Though I have had issues with all acidic foods which I have to avoid due to chronic reflux/ GERD issues so I may re-visit it... being human is a LOT! :) Always grateful for your generosity in sharing... know that it resonates so clearly for some of us and is so appreciated!
I have so many questions, but will restrain myself.
I'm considering doing art full-time in my retirement (in about four years). Not a "fine artist" aspiring for gallery representation, but watercolor prints, cards, and the like. What are the major downsides to such a business? I sometimes think I'm being all starry-eyed about it, and then read horror stories about the stress/hustling (which is NOT something I do well). I really want to be my own boss to have supplemental income, but stress and me do not get along - at all.
And I am also a SUBJECT ATHLETE! I love ALL the subjects, ALL the READING!
Hi Jen! OK, so in my opinion and experience, these are some of the realities to having your own art business, which I wouldn't necessarily call "downsides," more just things you'll want/need to consider when figuring out if this path feels aligned with what you want.
You'll need to be able to wear a lot of hats, be excited about constantly learning and implementing new skills, and be willing to spend a lot of time doing tasks that have nothing to do with making art -- admin, marketing, sales, customer service, bookkeeping, etc. You'll need to be self-motivated, really enjoy pivoting and shifting with new information, be willing to work hard to get off the ground and get/keep your work in front of people, be very detail-oriented, and resilient enough to weather learning curves, setbacks, and slow sales periods.
For some people, the above would feel incredibly stressful, and for others, it would feel like an exciting challenge with a little bit of stress, so I would really encourage you to think about the specific kinds of things that feel most stressful for you and what you want to avoid. For example, I loved my first 4 years in business, I worked my ass off, and it was, in fact, stressful -- but I was doing exactly what I wanted to do and having a great time, and the rewards of that felt bigger than the stress. But these days, the stress of managing details feels fine to me, but the stress of managing a team of people is a "no thanks."
To give you an idea of what the day-to-day work of running an art business is like -- these numbers are both from my own experience and from that of my mentees/clients -- it's realistic to prepare for 80 percent of your working hours to be spent NOT making art. If that doesn't sound exciting or fun to you, this may not be the most aligned direction.
The field of selling art prints, cards, etc. is a very crowded one, because it has a very low barrier to entry in terms of knowledge and startup costs. The iPad has also made painting and drawing much more accessible and faster, so there's a lot of competition. So, from a creative POV, you'll also need to be committed to creating standout work. How will your work be different from what's out there already? What story is it telling? Why would a customer buy it? Why would a shop, which has limited shelf space, choose to carry it over another line?
Like I said, it's a crowded marketplace, so while it's certainly possible to be successful, I see a lot of people get discouraged when they follow all the "right" steps of production and marketing, take a course, etc., but don't get any traction because they don't put enough time, consideration, and effort into creating the strongest work possible. But if making standout work feels like an awesome creative and strategic challenge, go for it!
This is outstanding, Emily! Thank you SO much for taking the time for such a detailed answer. It definitely gives me a better idea of whether this is truly the path I want to take (versus just keeping art as a hobby). ❤️
Hi, Jen. I’ve been a full-time artist for 16 years after being fired from my well-paying corporate job. I’m 64 and I still hustle and there is still stress involved and pays a fraction of what I did before, but I love what I do. I hope you find a way to make launching a new career as an artist more stress-free.
Thank you for the opportunity to ask a question! I would love to hear more about how you balance learnings from human design, astrology, etc. (modalities that help to give you information on "who you are") with growth and change. I had my human design chart done in 2017 and it was a major 'aha' about understanding myself. Fast forward to 5 years later knowing that I have an open G center has become almost a crutch for why I don't have a direction for where I want to take my life. Have you experienced anything like this and how have you delt with it? Thoughts on overcoming limiting beliefs based on "who you are" to where you are at now?
Oh I love this question! My personal attitude toward tools like human design and astrology are that I've found them useful (especially human design, and ESPECIALLY with the guidance of a great practitioner/interpreter) in terms of helping me understand some bigger themes in my life, provide some context for why certain things feel difficult or easy, and help to validate and expand upon some of the things I'd intuited about myself. For example, I'm a projector... AND I'm also an introvert, which I knew before studying human design, and there's a lot of overlap there. But that's kind of the beginning and end of it for me.
Basically, when the learnings from those systems start to feel like they're diminishing my personal agency and power, I let them go. Like, I could definitely blame a lot of things on the fact that I'm a double Gemini with 4 planets in Gemini (!!) but this feels like a slippery slope towards, as you say, promoting some limiting beliefs that aren't necessarily helpful.
Thank you for this offer. In March of 2021 I left my full time job at Facebook where I had been for 10 years to go out on my own. Since then, I've tried various sort of full time jobs, but none of them felt right. What feels right is being out on my own and trying to build something different. Right now, I have a lot of things I want to write and create. My newsletter, podcast, book, oracle cards, journals, stickers, merch - so many things. But, they don't bring in the money. I am consulting, but I'm trying to also find balance so I'm not working so much, but the girl lizard part of my brain keeps yelling at me that if I don't have enough money coming in every month to cover my bills, it's all just being indulgent - and who am I to be indulgent? I have money saved so practically, I have the cushion to bet on myself, but the lizard part of the brain does not care about that.
I know deeply this path I've chosen is the right one, but it's still scary as hell. Any thoughts and advice as I continue to try this grand experiment out is welcomed.
Hi Katie, thanks for your patience! First, I'd recommend Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star, which addresses some strategies for calming/quieting your lizard brain around this very thing. I also loved The Way of Integrity, which I think came out in 2022, and as Pam said, her podcasts are also great. I suspect you'll find her teaching helpful; I definitely have.
I would also recommend the book No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz, if you're not familiar with IFS (Internal Family Systems). I'm not a psychologist, and I will probably butcher this, but the basic premise is that we all contain a multitude of different "parts," and often those parts are associated with an emotion (the anxious part, the angry part, etc.) There are no bad parts; each part is doing its best to protect us the way it knows how. And, we are not our parts; we are a core Self, similar to the one who is the observer of our thoughts in mindfulness practice. IFS work has helped me learn to identify, listen to, and work with the part of myself that's afraid to stop earning X dollars (even though, like you, I have savings), and the part that says things like "who are you to be indulgent?" This has, in turn, diminished their power over my decision-making.
Basically, I wonder what it might feel like, for you, to stop attempting to eliminate the fear -- because yes, this path is scary as hell! -- and instead to get curious about it and learn to relate to it differently. If this resonates, the resources above will help. xo
Thank you! I’m reading the Way of Integrity now and enjoying it. Can’t wait to dig into these other resources too. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Just want to "second" the recommendation of Martha Beck's work! I'm a certified Martha Beck/Wayfinder coach (I'm not a practicing coach, but I use everything I learned in my own life). I'm sure Emily will have an awesome answer for you, so I'll just briefly suggest that if you like podcasts, Martha Beck has two that can introduce you to her work: The Gathering Room and Bewildered.
It was totally accidental. From 2008-2010, I went to doctors in an effort to figure out what was causing my worsening fatigue, joint pain, inflammation, terrible brain fog, and headaches; the suspected causes were things like Lyme, lupus, CFS, but I kept testing negative for everything.
In 2010, a macrobiotic chef friend suggested a gluten free diet, which I hadn't tried because I had no GI symptoms. Within two weeks, my symptoms were 50% better, and within 4 weeks, 90%. After a couple months, I decided (aka, believed wrongly) that I could eat gluten like once every two weeks and feel OK, because this seemed to keep my symptoms in check, so for 8 years, I ate the equivalent of a couple of bagels a month. (No, I did not have a functional medicine doc or any real guidance on this.)
In 2018, I decided to see what would happen if I went COMPLETELY gluten free as an experiment. Five months after I quit entirely, I woke up one day and literally, suddenly, felt like a different person. It was like a heavy cloak was gone, something I'd assumed was just what being alive felt like, so I'd never thought about it as being a possible "symptom." The new feeling was one of being *happy to be here* that felt completely foreign to me. (I'd been on SSRIs since I was 13, and was still on them; my meds hadn't changed.) I of course didn't trust this and assumed it would go away, like a mood... BUT IT DIDN'T.
I started looking into this, and learned that untreated gluten sensitivity can result in depression for several different reasons -- the first book I read on it was "Grain Brain" and there's been a ton of recent research that further supports this. About 9 months after I quit gluten completely, I tried going off my SSRI and I was completely fine. No depressive symptoms whatsoever. I'd tried to get off meds 4 times before this, all of which led to me going back on within a few weeks. It's now almost 6 years later, and I haven't experienced anything approaching depression again.
@emily before you went off gluten, had you been tested for celiac? I've been tested for it a few times and it's always been negative and yet I suspect that gluten or some other food contributes to exhaustion, etc.
Yep, tested negative for celiac. Functional medicine docs now recognize non-celiac gluten sensitivity as a real thing, but one of the reasons it took me so long to stop eating it was because my doctor had been like “well, you’re not celiac!”
Hi Emily—I'd love to hear more about your time in Bali, as I'm embarking on a similar journey to Korea soon. I'm nervous (but also excited) about the prospect of being in a different country where I won't have the usual things that anchor me in my daily life here in the States (job, the schedule that comes with said job, friends, etc.) For context, I'm also coming out of a season of illness, grief and burnout, and simply want to rest and reconnect with the parts of me that were lost or put aside during all of those changes. I have a million smaller questions for you about all of this, but I guess my biggest one right now is...how do you anchor yourself in times when you feel unmoored by life? Do you have any advice for how I can make the most of my time abroad? And what about when I'm back? I think I'm most scared about that part. After I get back from Korea, when I return to my "reality" here in the States and everything is the same and yet so much is different. Yeesh, sorry, that's more than one question :) Please feel free to respond to whichever part of that calls to you. Thanks for your time!
Hi Jenny! These are super interesting questions to think about. Okay here goes:
When I got to Bali, I felt like my choice was to either be totally freaked out by the totally-unmoored feeling, or to completely fucking embrace the experiment and adventure of it. I would say I ended up about 20% freaked out, 80% experiment, which I'd consider a tremendous success.
One of the pitfalls, I think, in doing a trip like this is the pressure we put on ourselves to "make the most of it." It's so normal to ask this question!!! It's so normal to want to not piss away this ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity! But sitting in Korea being stressed out about whether or not you're optimizing your time there is basically a recipe for not being able to be present for the actual experience. Try not to judge your tired, burnt-out self, is what I'm saying.
You know you want to rest. You know you want to reconnect with some core parts of yourself you've lost touch with. You know you want to explore a different country, whatever that means to you. These are great intentions. The fact that you're going to Korea to do them -- a place where you don't have any of your usual context or anchors -- means you can't really know the "how" in advance. When I went to Bali, my intentions were similar; they also included "spend time being in my body." Instead of setting goals around this stuff (part of my problem), I committed to setting intentions, staying open, treating my time like an experiment, saying yes to weird opportunities, and not doing anything because I thought I was supposed to or I "should."
I do well with a little bit of structure and familiarity, so once I had the lay of the land, I picked out a cafe to work in and a yoga studio to go to; this helped me feel more anchored when I had absolute anonymity. I journaled a LOT. Multiple times a day. I tried not to reread it or judge myself for what I was writing. I found things I liked to do that weren't easily accessible to me in the States, and did them. I met up with friends of friends, and made friends with locals who took me to beautiful ceremonies and allowed me to be a guest in their culture. But I also spent most of my time alone. I read a lot of books. Did I make the most of it? IDFK. Haha.
Re: when you come back... don't think about that yet. You don't know, you won't know, worrying about it in advance, before you even go, won't get you anything except anxiety. I know this is hard!!!! But really, one step at a time here. How long are you going for? xoxo
Thank you for this thoughtful response, Emily! I literally sighed out loud in relief while reading it and will definitely revisit it during those inevitable moments when I feel especially floaty :) I'll be in Korea for a minimum of three months and I'll reassess if I want to/can stay a bit longer while I'm there...eep! Haha.
Hi Amy! Aw, I love your "asking for a friend" question. :)
So right now, the only coaching I offer is in the context of being an advisor and mentor to entrepreneurs who have product-based businesses (basically, what I did with Em & Friends). It's less about taking it to the next level, necessarily (although sometimes it's that!) and more about offering my clients guidance and strategic support on all aspects of the business, from the practical to the internal, which sometimes veers into the emotional but it's not the focus.
My intention behind doing Martha Beck's Wayfinder training was to give myself additional skills to support that work, and to give myself the option to potentially coach a different kind of client in the future. I may do that at some point, but I don't have any plans to do it as of this moment (and I also know things change!!!). I think my sweet spot/zone of genius/where I feel most effective right now is in a role where I can combine my business and creative expertise with the softer skills of coaching.
Your “pursuit of healing” paragraph made me chuckle but also intrigued me because several of the things you mention i have found “healing” personally. As a part time yoga instructor but wannabe full time ~not what im doing for actual money now~ I’ve been exploring the possibility of taking additional trainings, like coaching, sound healing, breath work and other somatic trainings like what The Embody Lab offers. Curious on your thoughts on the breath work training you did. Was it something you went into from a more self exploratory/healing sense or otherwise? Also, I’m curious your thoughts on the notion of “offering healing” to others. I always struggle with this as a part of me does think that my offerings can be healing but i don’t like claiming TO heal as it feels way out of my lane and also has potential to imply that someone is “broken”. I also worry about paying megabucks for a training from someone without their ability or my ability to really point to it being “evidence based.” Curious your take 🥰
Hi Kelly! Re: breathwork training -- I've had a very regular breathwork practice for 7 years, and have done a bunch of self-exploratory things with it, including a week-long breath camp with Alchemy of Breath in 2019. I actually started AOB's teacher training in January of 2020, which was a virtual, six-month training with an in-person component at the end, and was much more geared towards facilitating your own healing in combination with training to teach. (I dropped out of it when the pandemic hit, because it was on Bali time, I was stuck in Portland, and class was from 3-5am. But I love that organization and I think they're amazing.) I specifically chose Jon-Paul Crimi's breathwork teacher training last year because, at that point in my practice, I was looking for a training that didn't also have a big self-discovery component (didn't feel like I needed it); I was more interested in one that was really focused on how to teach effectively. I also had a lot of experience with JP as a teacher (I went to his early in-person classes in LA in 2018) so I knew his style resonated with me.
YES totally agree on "offering healing" -- I am skeptical of anyone that claims to be able to "heal me." Other people can offer support and help to create the conditions for healing, and practicing different modalities can help to facilitate healing , but I believe it's something we do for ourselves.
I hear you about being wary of paying a lot of money for trainings that aren't "evidence based" or (you didn't say this, but I will) through some sort of officially accredited organization. I think there are a lot of great trainings out there, and I think there are a lot of trainings being conducted by folks who are less qualified, but good at marketing and see it as the easiest path to $$$. I think talking to people who've done the program or training is always key, and not just relying on site testimonials. On one hand, I'd love to say it's always about really looking at the qualifications of the teacher, but on the other, the most effective energy practitioner I know, and one who's an excellent teacher (although she doesn't officially teach it), is completely self-taught. Sooo it's tricky!
Can I just say how much I love your musings? They always make me laugh, surprise me and let me feel a part of a very special group of kind, thoughtful,authentic, (getting kind of tired of that word but it's useful), resourceful, resilient, creative people.
And may I also say I love the picture of you pulling yourself up in your stolen sweatshirt. That's how I feel most days and I don't even go to the gym!
So I do have questions; One easy and one more complicated.
#1. Do you have a good recipe for scalloped potatoes?
#2. I'm working on a project around my great-grandmother,taking a deep dive into my ancestral baggage. I've come up with some pretty interesting images and insights and people keep encouraging me to get it out there but I find I'm quite allergic to Instagram, Facebook and the more traditional ways of sharing. Haven't posted since June of last year! What advice would you have to impactfully share in a way that feels authentic, (there's that word again) and impactful? I feel there is alot to share here but I'm quite conflicted on how that looks.
Oh and I'm with you in the '"pursuit of healing" journey. Here's one you may not have tried, the Harmonic Egg. I know! That probably conjures up all kinds of strange images but I've had 2 sessions and it's powerful!
I'm also with you on the breath work. It's so simple, accessible and amazingly impactful.
Thank you for all you share and contribute. I'm grateful. ❤️
Hi Laurie! So great to hear your (written) voice here, thanks for your patience! I wish I had a good recipe for scalloped potatoes, but I don't; it's actually a dish I've never made!
Have you thought about starting a Substack for the project around your great-grandmother? I ask because in addition to it being a newsletter, it also functions like a blog or a website, where all the posts live together on a home page, and you can write and share as much as you want, unlike IG/FB, and it's easy to publish to and doesn't require you to build a site. Substack is also an ecosystem of writers and artists that feels way more like a community to me than IG. If you wanted your IG/FB community to see it, you could publish on Substack, then share some of the images to IG/FB and put the link in your bio -- a sort of "lite" version of social media. Or you could just... not do that!
You say that people keep encouraging you to get it out there... what do YOU think? Do you actually want to "get it out there" yet, or are you content right now in the process of creation? Social media has conditioned us to incorporate "sharing" as an essential part of the creative process -- and sharing in an immediate way. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and the ways in which it does and doesn't serve us, and remembering what it was like to create before the internet!
I haven't tried the Harmonic Egg!!!!! Googling now.... thanks so much, Laurie. xoxo
Thank you Emily for this very thoughtful and helpful response! I have been traveling so I apologize for not acknowledging your thoughts and advice sooner.
I am going to explore Substack. I always thought of it more for writers but from your description it has possibility for what I'm seeking; primarily more of a real community feeling.
I loved the question you posed; What do YOU think? Ah, that is where the answers are, thank you for the reminder not to "should" on myself by listening to others and not trusting my own voice.
Lastly, thank you for identifying this whole "sharing" delimma. You are right I have/had swallowed the whole the idea that "sharing " is an essential part of the creative process and I'm somehow being small by not sharing on a regular basis. Thank you for giving me permission to not share and be ok with it! Alot to process, all good. THANK YOU Emily. This was profoundly helpful! Xoxo ♥️
Hello Emily! How did you know when you were moving away from disembodied head to living more in your body? What specifically felt or became different? Asking for a friend. :)
Heather (and Beth)! I love this question and I may write a newsletter about it, so thank you. The feeling was like... a light coming on downstairs, and a shift towards paying attention to the information my body was trying to communicate, and acting on it vs. just ignoring it. Some of the first and most basic stuff: instead of just powering through hours at the computer: actually getting up to walk around and stretch and pee.
Intuitive information comes from the body (the brain loves to override it with all our conditioned thoughts about logic), so once I felt more plugged in and aware of it, I started turning to my body to help me make decisions, and to determine how I really felt about XYZ. As I started to "live" more in my body, all my brain's old tricks began to become clearer as a side effect, so instead of just reacting habitually to triggering situations in the same way I always had, it was easier to find a bit more space in between stimulus and response. It felt like I had a new ability to slow down and take in what my body was saying, vs. just plowing ahead with my mind.
Is this making any sense? This is the first time I've specifically thought about the answer to this question!
This makes perfect sense and is so validating. I’m 53 and feel like I’m experiencing something very similar. Happy for you, happy for me. Thank you. ❤️
Hi Sarah! Yep- loved Becoming Supernatural and Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I did his meditations for a few months on and off like 5 years ago, but I could never get deeply into it/make a real habit of it for whatever reason.
I DON'T KNOW! I've taken the test a million times and none of them are clear winners, is that weird? When I was younger I was definitely a 4, but I've grown out of a lot of those characteristics.
New subscriber here - because you said I could ask you anything. And, I’m a fellow SUBJECT ATHLETE, love to learn, and have tried MANY healing modalities. I’m scared to share this extremely personal info but am doing it to get clear in my head I guess.
My question has to do with survival and what to do with it. My feet are in two worlds and I don’t know what to do with myself, and tend to fall back into old patterns of working too much and not writing enough or relaxing enough or spending time with my husband. Travel scares me but I dream of spending a month abroad with my husband and writing. He’s all for it. I’d miss my tools and ability to create with metal. I’m also a gemini so there’s that.
A year ago, I was in the hospital for a minor procedure that went wrong and nearly died. I’ve recently returned to the work that I love - making artisan jewelry, enamel paintings, teaching wedding ring classes to couples. I like this work. I’m in the process of rebranding my, um, brand, and it’s not quite there yet. I’m working on a memoir that I started back in college. I’m a late in life college grad - COVID Class of 2020! I received positive support from instructors for my writing, and was encouraged enough to continue. I’m now in a writing group.
I dream of doing meaningful creative work with my two hands. It’s the happiest place on earth - except for home. I want to make larger scale works using my enamels and kiln, and make more wedding rings and teach more wedding ring making classes. I don’t see a future where I let go of my studio, but I do know that the number of years left on my body doing this work is limited. Maybe five more years? In those five, I want to make some real money. My husband and I are both artists and I want to contribute more meaningfully to our household budget.
I also want to write more, and get something published, but this is a life I know little about and it scares me - even though I secretly think it would be a Very Good Thing. Maybe. I’m involved in a malpractice suit which I can’t talk about or publish anything about until it’s resolved. It could be dropped any day or last five years. I'm on tenterhooks about it - in the background. But my writing would include that experience as part of the memoir.
In the meantime, I’ve joined the Y and do aerobics with weights and dance aerobics weekly. My diet has suffered since I’m now able to eat again and ate everything for a few months. Now I’m cutting back on sugar. I’m already eating gluten free, dairy free, mostly egg free, and a couple of other things-free.
I don't mean for you to “tell me what to do.” But I’d love your insights into how to balance a creative life with real life. Set goals, get coaching, whatever. I think I need to get serious because life is short. But I also need to stop and smell the roses because life is short.
Hi Nancy! Thanks very much for your patience and for sharing all of this with me. Whew! It sounds like you have a strong desire to follow two creative paths: writing a memoir, and "doing meaningful creative work with your two hands" (a beautiful phrase!). You mention you feel you have a five-year time limit on studio work as your body ages, and there's a money piece here too.
Questions that are coming up for me as I read: does "balance a creative life with real life" refer to balancing your creative work with making a certain amount of money? Or is it broader: how to balance a desire to do multiple creative things at once within the constraints of all of life's other requirements? You mention wanting to go abroad and write, but you say you'd miss your tools and ability to create with metal. Do you perceive writing and studio work as an either/or proposition? Is your experience with almost dying last year (yikes, so glad you made it through that, btw) contributing to a felt sense of urgency and pressure around all this?
I honestly think finding a good coach could be perfect for you. Coaching is different from therapy in that it's designed not to help you heal trauma or improve your mental health, but to help you live your most fulfilling and joyful life through actionable strategies, self-discovery, and the shifting of old beliefs. Coaching can help you sift through your life, and all the lives that are available to you, figure out what you really want, and take concrete internal and external steps to get there. I don't have a specific recommendation for someone, but there's a directory of certified Martha Beck Wayfinder coaches on her site; if you're curious, that might be a good place to start.
Hi Nancy! Just wanted to let you know I've read this and I'll be answering in the next day or two -- it's taken me a while to get through these due to life this week but I'm on it! xo
"Reading this paragraph makes me want to break up with myself and block my number." Sentences like these keep me addicted to your posts Emily. Seriously, I appreciate all the healing avenues you have pursued. You have many gifts, but writing may be #1 IMHO.
Thank you so much Julie -- that means more to me than you know.
Sometimes I hate commenting on things like this when I feel I have nothing to contribute, I mean, really, who am I, right?
But this just resonates so much (every time you post it does!). I felt the burnout creep in for me about 3-4 years ago, even took a few months sabbatical 2 years ago thinking that was the lowest I could go only to learn last year under a toxic work environment that it could get a LOT worse. I now feel pretty rock bottom, I just turned 38 and already frustrated that I feel like I'm just wasting away the best years of my life because I'm so unmotivated and lost all ambition and passion now, I don't know what to do and I don't know how to leave my job (mostly, too, because there remains a sliver of possibility I can find myself again here, and heal enough TO go look for something else).
I've also tried 90% of the healing modalities you mentioned, and reading that list also makes me want to break up with myself lolol. I'm also curious about how you found gluten was the ultimate cause of your depression. Recently I tried a keto diet for 3 weeks after hearing a psychologist summarizing studies that it helps people with bi-polar and schizophrenia more often than not. I did feel marginally better, but not enough to know if it was cutting out gluten and carbs. And recently psychiatrist told me that due to being as burned out as I am, it's too difficult to determine anything else that could be wrong (and also they couldn't really do anything about the burnout, which felt so great to hear *cue eyeroll).
Maybe my question is: what is some of the bad advice you've received over the years? With anything, health, career, finance, etc
I ask that because one of the things I hate hearing the most is "you just need to be more active!" and people asking "well how much do you exercise?! you should go for walks!" (I'm saying this in my head with blonde valley girl high pitched voice as mockery btw). One of the last times I was in a depression hole (and not burned out), I picked up running to cope. I ended up running ultramarathons and did weightlifting competitions after discovering how much I liked it when taking some crossfit classes. I feel like I know how exercise affects me. But in burnout, most activity makes me feel much worse, and the more guilt and shame I put on myself to "do more!" like going for a walk or going to the gym, really just spirals me out and makes my burnout and therefore depression so much worse. My therapist finally told me to stop trying to go for walks and just sit outside. And I'm finally realizing what people mean when they say that Rest is literally the only solution to burnout. I'm not sure what you think of that, seemingly on the other side of it?
Hi Milla, thank you so much for your patience and for this question. OK, first -- I gave a detailed answer to someone else about how I figured out gluten was the ultimate cause of my depression, so read that if you haven't already.
I am, in fact, on the other side of burnout, and my biggest learning was REST IS LITERALLY THE ONLY SOLUTION. And the kind of rest that feels good to YOU, in your body. And when you're also judging yourself for resting, or feeling like you should be doing it more productively (like going for walks), this is not actually resting. I spent so many hours just sitting on my front steps drinking coffee and zoning out. Sitting out there long after my coffee was gone, literally doing nothing, not even really thinking. Not meditating, not exercising, not optimizing any aspect of myself. Being a tree, basically. And I really, really needed to do that. In burnout, I think one of the primary purposes of pure rest is to teach your nervous system/body that you are someone to be trusted. That you're willing to listen to it and (finally) give it what it wants/needs, make decisions according to its best interests, and not try to change it or make it wrong.
I am wary of any kind of prescriptive advice, in general, that doesn't first take into account your own intuition. I think a lot of advice is a regurgitation/reinforcement of mainstream cultural conditioning about how we "should" be doing things, but when you step back and look at WHY this kind of advice is being given, the reasons are pretty fucked up.
I spent my 20s and 30s following mainstream culture's advice about how my body should look, yo-yo dieting with Atkins and keto and Weight Watchers, purely in an effort to be smaller, not to get to the bottom of any physical or mental pain I was experiencing. I exercised because mainstream culture (and men I dated, cool) told me it was necessary in order to change what I looked like, which made me hate and resent exercise because I perceived it as, effectively, a punishment for existing. I've had to do so much work in my 40s to undo that, and it's STILL hard sometimes.
Career advice -- god, I bought into the whole gospel of Steve Jobs-startup-culture bullshit, your work is the most important thing you'll ever do, achievement will make you happy, you must be extraordinary in order to be worthy of anything good, find what you love and let it kill you, success requires misery and sacrifice, I could go on forever!!! All that shit worked for me from the outside, but absolutely murdered me on the inside, and ultimately the body wins. Now that I've taken the time to actually get to know myself and be willing to accept and love what's here, I can recognize that my introvert, spacey, quiet self was spectacularly ill-suited for the intensity and harshness of a career in advertising, and for taking Em & Friends in the direction I took it.
Does that feel helpful at all?
I don't know why I didn't get a notification for this reply (or did and was so caught up in the latest BS I missed it?)
THIS IS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL.
Yes, everything you said here absolutely resonates. I'm also in the process of unlearning that career advice. On a happy note, though, I did end up leaving my job (got caught in one of the big tech layoffs actually!) and I had so many friends and old coworkers rally to my aid that I was able to accept a new job offer before my severance was up. I'm 3 weeks in and it's a dream job for me (as in it's fun and rejuvenating) with a dream team at a very supportive company; and because of all that, I am well on my way to healing my burnout. I am becoming a voice of "do less" here that I hope others will be able to listen to, though from what I've seen, people are thoughtful and appreciative of "work-life balance" (whatever that really means lol).
YAY MILLA!!!!! This is the best update.
Heard! Coming back to this one, I'm on a deadline this week so I'll be answering these slowly, starting with the quickest answers. :) xo
Wait! I have a simpler question, about the tattooed eyebrows and eyeliner. Were you scared they would mess up and you'd have something that looked drawn on or too heavy?
My best advice on this is, first, GO TO A REALLY GOOD PERSON. I know you're in NYC, but to anyone else reading: if you need to travel to a larger city to find someone whose work you really love, it's worth it. Cosmetic tattoo artists have social media accounts where they post their work, and Google reviews with photos are also your friend. I looked at tons of people before I booked with Christen (Browtendre, in Glendale CA, just northeast of LA), so I knew I liked her work.
Before your appointment, they will do a consultation with you, and this is a great time to talk about any questions/fears and the kind of look you want, and do a vibe check to make sure you feel heard, comfortable, etc. You can show them photos of yourself with makeup on, and it's very helpful to point out any pics of their work you particularly like or that feel like "nope, too much!"
When I went in for my appointment, Christen drew in the shape of my brows first, and mixed up the ink customized for me, so we could look at the color together. After doing all this, I wasn't scared. The person you go to should also offer a touch-up appointment if needed, once it's healed, as part of the deal. (Christen offers this but I didn't need them.)
I did my brows first, in 2018, and my eyeliner in 2022. The way she did the liner, it sort of built up, so she stopped after doing one pass and checked in with me to see if I wanted her to keep going (I did).
The skin on your face turns over much faster than on the rest of your body, and I believe the tattoos are also less deep than regular tattoos, so you typically will need a touch-up every 18 months to 2 years. Mine have lasted a little longer, I've had my brows touched up twice and I haven't needed liner! The brows didn't really hurt and the liner hurt like a mother, and I'm covered in tattoos. Also, I did my lips (an all-over, very natural blush pink) at the same time I did my brows in 2018, and even with tons of numbing cream it was so painful that I was like NOPE NOT DOING THAT AGAIN. It was pretty but it only lasted less than a year -- lips are the fastest to fade, I think.
Yes, I'm so curious about this! Did you consider doing the lips too? That's something I've thought about.
See my lip answer above! :)
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the “coach discourse”. I too am a coach, a certified Wayfinder. I started my coaching practice after chronic illness took over my life and forced me out of the career I spent 20+ years building. The focus of my work - leadership coaching for people who exist outside of our culture’s male, extroverted ideal of leadership - is an area in which I have deep professional experience. I also utilize an anti-capitalist pricing model, as the coaching industry’s culture of more, more, more makes me want to vomit. I am not the only coach I know who has deep expertise in their area of focus and who isn’t interested in charging exorbitant rates. I know many who approach their work this way.
All of this is completely antithetical to how people talk about coaching more broadly. It’s an industry with the same problem as most industries. There are some bad actors doing bad things. I struggle with how to talk about being a coach without sounding defensive. Which I am, admittedly. Would love your thoughts.
Ugh, the coach discourse! I think that as coaches, we are inherently closer to Coach World and therefore also more aware of the bad actors/folks who give it a bad name. Due to the algorithm and the fact that I have a few coach friends, my IG feed shows me a lot of people trying to sell questionable-sounding programs, charging 30k to learn how to manifest THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS, or teaching me how to coach other coaches. And, of course, the people trying to build some sort of weird empire are also almost always the ones who are the most public-facing with their coaching work on social media, paying for placement, playing to the algorithm so their stuff gets more exposure, etc.
But when I get outside of the world of coaching and talk to, for example, my best friend of 35 years who teaches middle school, she's like "what's a coach?" So I suspect that our perception of how others perceive coaching is probably overly skewed towards the negative, and I try to remember this when positioning myself or when I start to feel defensive.
(And, I'm also not working as solely (or even primarily) a coach... so I admittedly haven't had to talk about it a lot yet. I did the Wayfinder program as a way to add more skills and depth to my work as an advisor and mentor to entrepreneurs, and to help with group facilitation. So I haven't really "come out" as a coach!)
This is really helpful, thank you so much! I'm seeing it in some non-coach spaces, but this is a great reminder that even from a wider view, it's still a skewed perspective. I care a great deal about my work and integrity, and that's all I can control. I think I'll do some more thinking around why I feel defensive and try to excavate (or even just reposition) those beliefs. As it always does, my defensiveness says more about me than anyone else. I really appreciate your thoughts, thank you!!
Which of your healing modalities were the most significant aside from giving up gluten? I would love to hear more about your inflammation diet and how you stick to it, it’s incredibly hard. Yes foods, no foods, and if it makes a difference. I have been down the rabbit hole of modalities since being exposed to mold and nothing seems to work for me. It’s always a joy to hear from you.🙏🏻❤️
Okay, so part one of your question: diet (beyond gluten, more in a sec), breathwork, somatic therapy, eastern medicine. And, not a healing modality per se, but I can't overstate the importance of stress reduction, through the process of redefining what success looked and felt like for me, and making some big life changes. I stopped pushing myself as hard as I had for the last 15 years, and stopped involving myself in some relationship dynamics and situations that contributed to my stress and drained me energetically, and this was a huge factor in the effectiveness of everything else.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with seven tumors in my thyroid that were initially thought to be thyroid cancer. Two biopsies and a specialist lab later, docs determined they weren't cancer, and the source of the tumors was autoimmune; I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism. After feeling great in 2019-2020, 2021 had brought the gnarliest phase of perimenopause, and I felt perpetually tired and just sort of increasingly shitty. And by September of 2022, when I was diagnosed with the above (and at the same time, a meningioma brain tumor and chronic occipital nerve headache), I felt really run-down, exhausted, brain fog, puffy and inflamed.
I tried taking thyroid hormone and had an awful reaction to it, so with the support of my doctor, I decided to try the AIP (Autoimmune Protocol) diet to see if I could improve my thyroid function that way. It worked incredibly well! After 10 weeks on AIP, all my thyroid blood work was normal and I felt infinitely better. At the same time I started AIP, I began going to an Eastern medicine clinic called The Healing Order, which had been recommended to me by several people, and started a major regimen of Chinese herbs and supplements.(Of course, not covered by insurance. Major privilege to be able to do this.)
When I began reintroducing foods after 10 weeks on AIP, I learned that my body does not tolerate corn, soy, or dairy -- all of them cause similar inflammatory symptoms to gluten for me, just milder, plus GI issues for soy and dairy. SUCH A BUMMER. But the way I feel without them in my diet is like night and day. My thyroid numbers are optimal. I have energy, I don't get headaches and joint pain, the back pain I've had since I was 19 is gone. (I lost a little bit of weight, but not a ton, like not enough to result in reduced joint pain or other symptoms.)
Does it suck to have to stick to it? Yes. One million percent. But honestly it's not that hard, because it actually works for me. A lot of stuff didn't work or felt questionable (like loooooots of supplements from functional medicine docs over the years) and I always struggled to stick with things when I didn't know if they were working.
It's so frustrating that healing seems to be so individual when dealing with autoimmune, mold, virus, etc. issues. One of my best friends has been healing from mold exposure for years (fwiw, she eats the same way I do), but another one with chronic viral issues didn't respond to AIP at all. It's so much trial and error and I wish I had any kind of universal answer, but this has been my experience. xoxo
Heard and this one is up next! :)
I’m curious about this too! That paragraph about trying “ALL the things” resonated so deeply. I’ve also been dealing with mold-related health issues and they are SO tough. Sending you love and support for dealing with that too 💛
answered above! xx
Thank you for sharing this! It's all so fascinating... AND I'm exhausted just by reading about you went through! So glad you finally figured out what works for your body after that wild ride. I did some of the AIP stuff (and the billions of supplements/herbs etc. stuff) during a long bout with secondary infertility, but didn't stick with it long enough to reintroduce food groups carefully and figure out what my issues were/may be. Though I have had issues with all acidic foods which I have to avoid due to chronic reflux/ GERD issues so I may re-visit it... being human is a LOT! :) Always grateful for your generosity in sharing... know that it resonates so clearly for some of us and is so appreciated!
You as well!
I have so many questions, but will restrain myself.
I'm considering doing art full-time in my retirement (in about four years). Not a "fine artist" aspiring for gallery representation, but watercolor prints, cards, and the like. What are the major downsides to such a business? I sometimes think I'm being all starry-eyed about it, and then read horror stories about the stress/hustling (which is NOT something I do well). I really want to be my own boss to have supplemental income, but stress and me do not get along - at all.
And I am also a SUBJECT ATHLETE! I love ALL the subjects, ALL the READING!
Hi Jen! OK, so in my opinion and experience, these are some of the realities to having your own art business, which I wouldn't necessarily call "downsides," more just things you'll want/need to consider when figuring out if this path feels aligned with what you want.
You'll need to be able to wear a lot of hats, be excited about constantly learning and implementing new skills, and be willing to spend a lot of time doing tasks that have nothing to do with making art -- admin, marketing, sales, customer service, bookkeeping, etc. You'll need to be self-motivated, really enjoy pivoting and shifting with new information, be willing to work hard to get off the ground and get/keep your work in front of people, be very detail-oriented, and resilient enough to weather learning curves, setbacks, and slow sales periods.
For some people, the above would feel incredibly stressful, and for others, it would feel like an exciting challenge with a little bit of stress, so I would really encourage you to think about the specific kinds of things that feel most stressful for you and what you want to avoid. For example, I loved my first 4 years in business, I worked my ass off, and it was, in fact, stressful -- but I was doing exactly what I wanted to do and having a great time, and the rewards of that felt bigger than the stress. But these days, the stress of managing details feels fine to me, but the stress of managing a team of people is a "no thanks."
To give you an idea of what the day-to-day work of running an art business is like -- these numbers are both from my own experience and from that of my mentees/clients -- it's realistic to prepare for 80 percent of your working hours to be spent NOT making art. If that doesn't sound exciting or fun to you, this may not be the most aligned direction.
The field of selling art prints, cards, etc. is a very crowded one, because it has a very low barrier to entry in terms of knowledge and startup costs. The iPad has also made painting and drawing much more accessible and faster, so there's a lot of competition. So, from a creative POV, you'll also need to be committed to creating standout work. How will your work be different from what's out there already? What story is it telling? Why would a customer buy it? Why would a shop, which has limited shelf space, choose to carry it over another line?
Like I said, it's a crowded marketplace, so while it's certainly possible to be successful, I see a lot of people get discouraged when they follow all the "right" steps of production and marketing, take a course, etc., but don't get any traction because they don't put enough time, consideration, and effort into creating the strongest work possible. But if making standout work feels like an awesome creative and strategic challenge, go for it!
Hope that helps. :)
This is outstanding, Emily! Thank you SO much for taking the time for such a detailed answer. It definitely gives me a better idea of whether this is truly the path I want to take (versus just keeping art as a hobby). ❤️
Heard! Coming back to this one, I'm on a deadline this week so I'm answering slowly - thanks Jen.
I could have written the same question! I would also love to hear the answer. My creative business is ceramics and words - together. thank you.
Hi Rachel, see my answer to Jen above!
Hi, Jen. I’ve been a full-time artist for 16 years after being fired from my well-paying corporate job. I’m 64 and I still hustle and there is still stress involved and pays a fraction of what I did before, but I love what I do. I hope you find a way to make launching a new career as an artist more stress-free.
Thank you Nancy! ❤️
Thank you for the opportunity to ask a question! I would love to hear more about how you balance learnings from human design, astrology, etc. (modalities that help to give you information on "who you are") with growth and change. I had my human design chart done in 2017 and it was a major 'aha' about understanding myself. Fast forward to 5 years later knowing that I have an open G center has become almost a crutch for why I don't have a direction for where I want to take my life. Have you experienced anything like this and how have you delt with it? Thoughts on overcoming limiting beliefs based on "who you are" to where you are at now?
Oh I love this question! My personal attitude toward tools like human design and astrology are that I've found them useful (especially human design, and ESPECIALLY with the guidance of a great practitioner/interpreter) in terms of helping me understand some bigger themes in my life, provide some context for why certain things feel difficult or easy, and help to validate and expand upon some of the things I'd intuited about myself. For example, I'm a projector... AND I'm also an introvert, which I knew before studying human design, and there's a lot of overlap there. But that's kind of the beginning and end of it for me.
Basically, when the learnings from those systems start to feel like they're diminishing my personal agency and power, I let them go. Like, I could definitely blame a lot of things on the fact that I'm a double Gemini with 4 planets in Gemini (!!) but this feels like a slippery slope towards, as you say, promoting some limiting beliefs that aren't necessarily helpful.
Thank you for this offer. In March of 2021 I left my full time job at Facebook where I had been for 10 years to go out on my own. Since then, I've tried various sort of full time jobs, but none of them felt right. What feels right is being out on my own and trying to build something different. Right now, I have a lot of things I want to write and create. My newsletter, podcast, book, oracle cards, journals, stickers, merch - so many things. But, they don't bring in the money. I am consulting, but I'm trying to also find balance so I'm not working so much, but the girl lizard part of my brain keeps yelling at me that if I don't have enough money coming in every month to cover my bills, it's all just being indulgent - and who am I to be indulgent? I have money saved so practically, I have the cushion to bet on myself, but the lizard part of the brain does not care about that.
I know deeply this path I've chosen is the right one, but it's still scary as hell. Any thoughts and advice as I continue to try this grand experiment out is welcomed.
Hi Katie, thanks for your patience! First, I'd recommend Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star, which addresses some strategies for calming/quieting your lizard brain around this very thing. I also loved The Way of Integrity, which I think came out in 2022, and as Pam said, her podcasts are also great. I suspect you'll find her teaching helpful; I definitely have.
I would also recommend the book No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz, if you're not familiar with IFS (Internal Family Systems). I'm not a psychologist, and I will probably butcher this, but the basic premise is that we all contain a multitude of different "parts," and often those parts are associated with an emotion (the anxious part, the angry part, etc.) There are no bad parts; each part is doing its best to protect us the way it knows how. And, we are not our parts; we are a core Self, similar to the one who is the observer of our thoughts in mindfulness practice. IFS work has helped me learn to identify, listen to, and work with the part of myself that's afraid to stop earning X dollars (even though, like you, I have savings), and the part that says things like "who are you to be indulgent?" This has, in turn, diminished their power over my decision-making.
Basically, I wonder what it might feel like, for you, to stop attempting to eliminate the fear -- because yes, this path is scary as hell! -- and instead to get curious about it and learn to relate to it differently. If this resonates, the resources above will help. xo
Thank you! I’m reading the Way of Integrity now and enjoying it. Can’t wait to dig into these other resources too. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
Katie! I have a longer answer coming, but first: have you read any of Martha Beck's work?
Just want to "second" the recommendation of Martha Beck's work! I'm a certified Martha Beck/Wayfinder coach (I'm not a practicing coach, but I use everything I learned in my own life). I'm sure Emily will have an awesome answer for you, so I'll just briefly suggest that if you like podcasts, Martha Beck has two that can introduce you to her work: The Gathering Room and Bewildered.
I haven't read any Martha Beck! I'll check her out. Thank you both for the suggestion.
How did you determine that Gluten was the cause of depression? Fascinated..
It was totally accidental. From 2008-2010, I went to doctors in an effort to figure out what was causing my worsening fatigue, joint pain, inflammation, terrible brain fog, and headaches; the suspected causes were things like Lyme, lupus, CFS, but I kept testing negative for everything.
In 2010, a macrobiotic chef friend suggested a gluten free diet, which I hadn't tried because I had no GI symptoms. Within two weeks, my symptoms were 50% better, and within 4 weeks, 90%. After a couple months, I decided (aka, believed wrongly) that I could eat gluten like once every two weeks and feel OK, because this seemed to keep my symptoms in check, so for 8 years, I ate the equivalent of a couple of bagels a month. (No, I did not have a functional medicine doc or any real guidance on this.)
In 2018, I decided to see what would happen if I went COMPLETELY gluten free as an experiment. Five months after I quit entirely, I woke up one day and literally, suddenly, felt like a different person. It was like a heavy cloak was gone, something I'd assumed was just what being alive felt like, so I'd never thought about it as being a possible "symptom." The new feeling was one of being *happy to be here* that felt completely foreign to me. (I'd been on SSRIs since I was 13, and was still on them; my meds hadn't changed.) I of course didn't trust this and assumed it would go away, like a mood... BUT IT DIDN'T.
I started looking into this, and learned that untreated gluten sensitivity can result in depression for several different reasons -- the first book I read on it was "Grain Brain" and there's been a ton of recent research that further supports this. About 9 months after I quit gluten completely, I tried going off my SSRI and I was completely fine. No depressive symptoms whatsoever. I'd tried to get off meds 4 times before this, all of which led to me going back on within a few weeks. It's now almost 6 years later, and I haven't experienced anything approaching depression again.
Wow! Thanks for sharing!!
@emily before you went off gluten, had you been tested for celiac? I've been tested for it a few times and it's always been negative and yet I suspect that gluten or some other food contributes to exhaustion, etc.
Yep, tested negative for celiac. Functional medicine docs now recognize non-celiac gluten sensitivity as a real thing, but one of the reasons it took me so long to stop eating it was because my doctor had been like “well, you’re not celiac!”
Hi Emily—I'd love to hear more about your time in Bali, as I'm embarking on a similar journey to Korea soon. I'm nervous (but also excited) about the prospect of being in a different country where I won't have the usual things that anchor me in my daily life here in the States (job, the schedule that comes with said job, friends, etc.) For context, I'm also coming out of a season of illness, grief and burnout, and simply want to rest and reconnect with the parts of me that were lost or put aside during all of those changes. I have a million smaller questions for you about all of this, but I guess my biggest one right now is...how do you anchor yourself in times when you feel unmoored by life? Do you have any advice for how I can make the most of my time abroad? And what about when I'm back? I think I'm most scared about that part. After I get back from Korea, when I return to my "reality" here in the States and everything is the same and yet so much is different. Yeesh, sorry, that's more than one question :) Please feel free to respond to whichever part of that calls to you. Thanks for your time!
Hi Jenny! These are super interesting questions to think about. Okay here goes:
When I got to Bali, I felt like my choice was to either be totally freaked out by the totally-unmoored feeling, or to completely fucking embrace the experiment and adventure of it. I would say I ended up about 20% freaked out, 80% experiment, which I'd consider a tremendous success.
One of the pitfalls, I think, in doing a trip like this is the pressure we put on ourselves to "make the most of it." It's so normal to ask this question!!! It's so normal to want to not piss away this ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity! But sitting in Korea being stressed out about whether or not you're optimizing your time there is basically a recipe for not being able to be present for the actual experience. Try not to judge your tired, burnt-out self, is what I'm saying.
You know you want to rest. You know you want to reconnect with some core parts of yourself you've lost touch with. You know you want to explore a different country, whatever that means to you. These are great intentions. The fact that you're going to Korea to do them -- a place where you don't have any of your usual context or anchors -- means you can't really know the "how" in advance. When I went to Bali, my intentions were similar; they also included "spend time being in my body." Instead of setting goals around this stuff (part of my problem), I committed to setting intentions, staying open, treating my time like an experiment, saying yes to weird opportunities, and not doing anything because I thought I was supposed to or I "should."
I do well with a little bit of structure and familiarity, so once I had the lay of the land, I picked out a cafe to work in and a yoga studio to go to; this helped me feel more anchored when I had absolute anonymity. I journaled a LOT. Multiple times a day. I tried not to reread it or judge myself for what I was writing. I found things I liked to do that weren't easily accessible to me in the States, and did them. I met up with friends of friends, and made friends with locals who took me to beautiful ceremonies and allowed me to be a guest in their culture. But I also spent most of my time alone. I read a lot of books. Did I make the most of it? IDFK. Haha.
Re: when you come back... don't think about that yet. You don't know, you won't know, worrying about it in advance, before you even go, won't get you anything except anxiety. I know this is hard!!!! But really, one step at a time here. How long are you going for? xoxo
Thank you for this thoughtful response, Emily! I literally sighed out loud in relief while reading it and will definitely revisit it during those inevitable moments when I feel especially floaty :) I'll be in Korea for a minimum of three months and I'll reassess if I want to/can stay a bit longer while I'm there...eep! Haha.
I'm so glad this felt helpful to read. A minimum of three months is a fabulous amount of time. <3
As a newly minted coach (I have zero problem calling you a coach), what would your ideal client look like?
1. Would it be someone who already has a business and wants to take it to the next level?
2. Someone who is just starting out in a new direction and wants motivation and clarity moving forward?
3. Could it be a someone new to writing, but who doesn't exactly know what they want to do with their life three years after their husband died?
Okay, that last one is a little specific, but I am curious about what you'd be looking for in a client.
Basically, do you want someone who has their shit together, or could they still be on the path to getting it together? 🥰❤️
Hi Amy! Aw, I love your "asking for a friend" question. :)
So right now, the only coaching I offer is in the context of being an advisor and mentor to entrepreneurs who have product-based businesses (basically, what I did with Em & Friends). It's less about taking it to the next level, necessarily (although sometimes it's that!) and more about offering my clients guidance and strategic support on all aspects of the business, from the practical to the internal, which sometimes veers into the emotional but it's not the focus.
My intention behind doing Martha Beck's Wayfinder training was to give myself additional skills to support that work, and to give myself the option to potentially coach a different kind of client in the future. I may do that at some point, but I don't have any plans to do it as of this moment (and I also know things change!!!). I think my sweet spot/zone of genius/where I feel most effective right now is in a role where I can combine my business and creative expertise with the softer skills of coaching.
Your “pursuit of healing” paragraph made me chuckle but also intrigued me because several of the things you mention i have found “healing” personally. As a part time yoga instructor but wannabe full time ~not what im doing for actual money now~ I’ve been exploring the possibility of taking additional trainings, like coaching, sound healing, breath work and other somatic trainings like what The Embody Lab offers. Curious on your thoughts on the breath work training you did. Was it something you went into from a more self exploratory/healing sense or otherwise? Also, I’m curious your thoughts on the notion of “offering healing” to others. I always struggle with this as a part of me does think that my offerings can be healing but i don’t like claiming TO heal as it feels way out of my lane and also has potential to imply that someone is “broken”. I also worry about paying megabucks for a training from someone without their ability or my ability to really point to it being “evidence based.” Curious your take 🥰
Hi Kelly! Re: breathwork training -- I've had a very regular breathwork practice for 7 years, and have done a bunch of self-exploratory things with it, including a week-long breath camp with Alchemy of Breath in 2019. I actually started AOB's teacher training in January of 2020, which was a virtual, six-month training with an in-person component at the end, and was much more geared towards facilitating your own healing in combination with training to teach. (I dropped out of it when the pandemic hit, because it was on Bali time, I was stuck in Portland, and class was from 3-5am. But I love that organization and I think they're amazing.) I specifically chose Jon-Paul Crimi's breathwork teacher training last year because, at that point in my practice, I was looking for a training that didn't also have a big self-discovery component (didn't feel like I needed it); I was more interested in one that was really focused on how to teach effectively. I also had a lot of experience with JP as a teacher (I went to his early in-person classes in LA in 2018) so I knew his style resonated with me.
YES totally agree on "offering healing" -- I am skeptical of anyone that claims to be able to "heal me." Other people can offer support and help to create the conditions for healing, and practicing different modalities can help to facilitate healing , but I believe it's something we do for ourselves.
I hear you about being wary of paying a lot of money for trainings that aren't "evidence based" or (you didn't say this, but I will) through some sort of officially accredited organization. I think there are a lot of great trainings out there, and I think there are a lot of trainings being conducted by folks who are less qualified, but good at marketing and see it as the easiest path to $$$. I think talking to people who've done the program or training is always key, and not just relying on site testimonials. On one hand, I'd love to say it's always about really looking at the qualifications of the teacher, but on the other, the most effective energy practitioner I know, and one who's an excellent teacher (although she doesn't officially teach it), is completely self-taught. Sooo it's tricky!
Thank you so much <3
Dear Emily,
Can I just say how much I love your musings? They always make me laugh, surprise me and let me feel a part of a very special group of kind, thoughtful,authentic, (getting kind of tired of that word but it's useful), resourceful, resilient, creative people.
And may I also say I love the picture of you pulling yourself up in your stolen sweatshirt. That's how I feel most days and I don't even go to the gym!
So I do have questions; One easy and one more complicated.
#1. Do you have a good recipe for scalloped potatoes?
#2. I'm working on a project around my great-grandmother,taking a deep dive into my ancestral baggage. I've come up with some pretty interesting images and insights and people keep encouraging me to get it out there but I find I'm quite allergic to Instagram, Facebook and the more traditional ways of sharing. Haven't posted since June of last year! What advice would you have to impactfully share in a way that feels authentic, (there's that word again) and impactful? I feel there is alot to share here but I'm quite conflicted on how that looks.
Oh and I'm with you in the '"pursuit of healing" journey. Here's one you may not have tried, the Harmonic Egg. I know! That probably conjures up all kinds of strange images but I've had 2 sessions and it's powerful!
I'm also with you on the breath work. It's so simple, accessible and amazingly impactful.
Thank you for all you share and contribute. I'm grateful. ❤️
Hi Laurie! So great to hear your (written) voice here, thanks for your patience! I wish I had a good recipe for scalloped potatoes, but I don't; it's actually a dish I've never made!
Have you thought about starting a Substack for the project around your great-grandmother? I ask because in addition to it being a newsletter, it also functions like a blog or a website, where all the posts live together on a home page, and you can write and share as much as you want, unlike IG/FB, and it's easy to publish to and doesn't require you to build a site. Substack is also an ecosystem of writers and artists that feels way more like a community to me than IG. If you wanted your IG/FB community to see it, you could publish on Substack, then share some of the images to IG/FB and put the link in your bio -- a sort of "lite" version of social media. Or you could just... not do that!
You say that people keep encouraging you to get it out there... what do YOU think? Do you actually want to "get it out there" yet, or are you content right now in the process of creation? Social media has conditioned us to incorporate "sharing" as an essential part of the creative process -- and sharing in an immediate way. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and the ways in which it does and doesn't serve us, and remembering what it was like to create before the internet!
I haven't tried the Harmonic Egg!!!!! Googling now.... thanks so much, Laurie. xoxo
Thank you Emily for this very thoughtful and helpful response! I have been traveling so I apologize for not acknowledging your thoughts and advice sooner.
I am going to explore Substack. I always thought of it more for writers but from your description it has possibility for what I'm seeking; primarily more of a real community feeling.
I loved the question you posed; What do YOU think? Ah, that is where the answers are, thank you for the reminder not to "should" on myself by listening to others and not trusting my own voice.
Lastly, thank you for identifying this whole "sharing" delimma. You are right I have/had swallowed the whole the idea that "sharing " is an essential part of the creative process and I'm somehow being small by not sharing on a regular basis. Thank you for giving me permission to not share and be ok with it! Alot to process, all good. THANK YOU Emily. This was profoundly helpful! Xoxo ♥️
I’m so happy to hear it, Laurie! xo
Hello Emily! How did you know when you were moving away from disembodied head to living more in your body? What specifically felt or became different? Asking for a friend. :)
Heather (and Beth)! I love this question and I may write a newsletter about it, so thank you. The feeling was like... a light coming on downstairs, and a shift towards paying attention to the information my body was trying to communicate, and acting on it vs. just ignoring it. Some of the first and most basic stuff: instead of just powering through hours at the computer: actually getting up to walk around and stretch and pee.
Intuitive information comes from the body (the brain loves to override it with all our conditioned thoughts about logic), so once I felt more plugged in and aware of it, I started turning to my body to help me make decisions, and to determine how I really felt about XYZ. As I started to "live" more in my body, all my brain's old tricks began to become clearer as a side effect, so instead of just reacting habitually to triggering situations in the same way I always had, it was easier to find a bit more space in between stimulus and response. It felt like I had a new ability to slow down and take in what my body was saying, vs. just plowing ahead with my mind.
Is this making any sense? This is the first time I've specifically thought about the answer to this question!
This makes perfect sense and is so validating. I’m 53 and feel like I’m experiencing something very similar. Happy for you, happy for me. Thank you. ❤️
Oh yay! <3
This does make sense! Thanks for your answer (and all your answers, I’m loving all the Q’s and A’s)! 🙏♥️🙏
Emily, (I'm catching up big time on this thread and life in general...) Have you ever read Joe Dispenza? Or done any of his meditations?
Hi Sarah! Yep- loved Becoming Supernatural and Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I did his meditations for a few months on and off like 5 years ago, but I could never get deeply into it/make a real habit of it for whatever reason.
I have the same question! Thanks for asking it. I’ll stay tuned…
Different topic, quick question: what's your enneagram type?
I DON'T KNOW! I've taken the test a million times and none of them are clear winners, is that weird? When I was younger I was definitely a 4, but I've grown out of a lot of those characteristics.
Related: what's your Myers-Briggs type (if you know)?
INFP!
New subscriber here - because you said I could ask you anything. And, I’m a fellow SUBJECT ATHLETE, love to learn, and have tried MANY healing modalities. I’m scared to share this extremely personal info but am doing it to get clear in my head I guess.
My question has to do with survival and what to do with it. My feet are in two worlds and I don’t know what to do with myself, and tend to fall back into old patterns of working too much and not writing enough or relaxing enough or spending time with my husband. Travel scares me but I dream of spending a month abroad with my husband and writing. He’s all for it. I’d miss my tools and ability to create with metal. I’m also a gemini so there’s that.
A year ago, I was in the hospital for a minor procedure that went wrong and nearly died. I’ve recently returned to the work that I love - making artisan jewelry, enamel paintings, teaching wedding ring classes to couples. I like this work. I’m in the process of rebranding my, um, brand, and it’s not quite there yet. I’m working on a memoir that I started back in college. I’m a late in life college grad - COVID Class of 2020! I received positive support from instructors for my writing, and was encouraged enough to continue. I’m now in a writing group.
I dream of doing meaningful creative work with my two hands. It’s the happiest place on earth - except for home. I want to make larger scale works using my enamels and kiln, and make more wedding rings and teach more wedding ring making classes. I don’t see a future where I let go of my studio, but I do know that the number of years left on my body doing this work is limited. Maybe five more years? In those five, I want to make some real money. My husband and I are both artists and I want to contribute more meaningfully to our household budget.
I also want to write more, and get something published, but this is a life I know little about and it scares me - even though I secretly think it would be a Very Good Thing. Maybe. I’m involved in a malpractice suit which I can’t talk about or publish anything about until it’s resolved. It could be dropped any day or last five years. I'm on tenterhooks about it - in the background. But my writing would include that experience as part of the memoir.
In the meantime, I’ve joined the Y and do aerobics with weights and dance aerobics weekly. My diet has suffered since I’m now able to eat again and ate everything for a few months. Now I’m cutting back on sugar. I’m already eating gluten free, dairy free, mostly egg free, and a couple of other things-free.
I don't mean for you to “tell me what to do.” But I’d love your insights into how to balance a creative life with real life. Set goals, get coaching, whatever. I think I need to get serious because life is short. But I also need to stop and smell the roses because life is short.
Hi Nancy! Thanks very much for your patience and for sharing all of this with me. Whew! It sounds like you have a strong desire to follow two creative paths: writing a memoir, and "doing meaningful creative work with your two hands" (a beautiful phrase!). You mention you feel you have a five-year time limit on studio work as your body ages, and there's a money piece here too.
Questions that are coming up for me as I read: does "balance a creative life with real life" refer to balancing your creative work with making a certain amount of money? Or is it broader: how to balance a desire to do multiple creative things at once within the constraints of all of life's other requirements? You mention wanting to go abroad and write, but you say you'd miss your tools and ability to create with metal. Do you perceive writing and studio work as an either/or proposition? Is your experience with almost dying last year (yikes, so glad you made it through that, btw) contributing to a felt sense of urgency and pressure around all this?
I honestly think finding a good coach could be perfect for you. Coaching is different from therapy in that it's designed not to help you heal trauma or improve your mental health, but to help you live your most fulfilling and joyful life through actionable strategies, self-discovery, and the shifting of old beliefs. Coaching can help you sift through your life, and all the lives that are available to you, figure out what you really want, and take concrete internal and external steps to get there. I don't have a specific recommendation for someone, but there's a directory of certified Martha Beck Wayfinder coaches on her site; if you're curious, that might be a good place to start.
Hi Nancy! Just wanted to let you know I've read this and I'll be answering in the next day or two -- it's taken me a while to get through these due to life this week but I'm on it! xo