Ask me anything
literally anything!
Hi everyone,
The sweatshirt I’m wearing in this photo was made by Daniel for a documentary he directed before we met. I stole it from him, and I wear it a lot. It makes me feel… sporty?
SUBJECT ATHLETE is a vaguely science-y reference; in the documentary, it meant “the subject of an athletic experiment,” like tracking a person who’s training to ride their bike 700 miles through a volcano or some shit.
But when my friend Shelly saw me in this shirt, not knowing the backstory, she assumed SUBJECT ATHLETE meant “someone who can nerd out on a subject with such intensity that it basically becomes an athletic feat.”
In her mind, this described me so well, there was no other possible interpretation.
Despite priding myself on my self-awareness (lols), I didn’t really know this about myself. But I’ve now polled at least 10 people who know me IRL and everyone has been like “ummmm yeah that’s totally you.”
So, paid subscribers, as a Subject Athlete who is also a fairly open book about most things in general, I offer you this:
In the comments of this post, ask me anything.
If it’s an easy question, I’ll answer in the comments. If there are more Qs than I can reasonably A, or if the question is more complex, I’ll put them in an upcoming newsletter or maybe make a video or something. And, of course, I reserve the right to not answer any question if it doesn’t feel good to do so.
My official and unofficial areas of expertise are as follows:
I’m an artist and writer and former CEO and quasi-influencer who sold ten million greeting cards, sold my company twice, and sold out my health in the process. I’ve been recovering from my success for the last six years.
I existed in the world as a disembodied head until 2018 and have since learned, through tremendous effort and also great joy, to also live in my body.
I co-wrote a book about what to say and not say to people going through major illness and loss.
I’m a cancer survivor, a negotiator of chronic illness, and custodian of a slowly growing brain tumor. I have gone to the doctor for a scan every six months since 2001.
I am a person who will try almost anything, particularly in the pursuit of healing.
My “pursuit of healing” has included, but is not limited to: talk therapy, somatic therapy, meditation, vagus nerve toning, sound healing, Rolfing, myofascial release, ayahuasca, psilocybin, breathwork (got certified to teach this one, swear by it), elimination diets, supplementation, chakra balancing, acupuncture, eastern medicine, western medicine, energy medicine, yoni massage (yep), shamanic soul retrieval, energetic space clearing, Vedic astrology, western astrology, human design, colonics, saunas, dry brushing, cold plunging, and literally living in Bali for seven months in 2019. Reading this paragraph makes me want to break up with myself and block my number.
I went through a really gnarly 9-year perimenopause that began at 39, and I couldn’t take HT so I managed it with diet and exercise and stress reduction and Wellbutrin (didn’t work) and Cymbalta (did), and screaming in my car and sleeping on a towel with a stack of t-shirts next to the bed and learning everything I could possibly learn. I am newly postmenopausal, as of April. I feel more and more like myself every single day.
I’m a very experienced mentor and advisor to creative entrepreneurs and a newly minted coach who definitely struggles with the word “coach” but very much believes in the power of coaching because it has absolutely changed my life for the better. It is not the same as therapy.
I have three-quarters of a Master’s degree in spiritual psychology from the University of Santa Monica. I dropped out in 2013 because Em & Friends took off and I couldn’t do both. The first thing I did with my newfound knowledge and understanding of who I am and my purpose on the planet was to start a brand, which was definitely not the point of the program but it took me about seven years to figure that out.
I struggled with pitch-black, soul-crushing depression from fifth grade until I was 42, when I discovered, accidentally, that its cause was gluten the whole fucking time. In 2018, I changed my diet and successfully went off my meds for the first time since 1989, and although I had some perimenopausal anxiety, the depression has never come back.
I could send a kid to college on the amount I’ve spent on products for my curly hair, which I stopped dyeing in 2022 and is now fully salt and pepper. I have tattooed eyeliner and eyebrows and they’re some of the best money I’ve ever spent.
I’ve traveled around the world a lot, on a budget, often alone.
My last four years have been a period of major transition in which I let go of my professional and personal identity, could not muster up something new for the first time in my life, lost all previously recognizable forms of ambition, felt completely directionless, didn’t recognize myself, created and quit a podcast about quitting, did a deep dive into all the existing books and resources and research about transitions, and have been working with
on creating our own.Like I said: subject athlete.
I would not take fashion advice from me, but you’re more than welcome to ask.
OK, go.
"Reading this paragraph makes me want to break up with myself and block my number." Sentences like these keep me addicted to your posts Emily. Seriously, I appreciate all the healing avenues you have pursued. You have many gifts, but writing may be #1 IMHO.
Sometimes I hate commenting on things like this when I feel I have nothing to contribute, I mean, really, who am I, right?
But this just resonates so much (every time you post it does!). I felt the burnout creep in for me about 3-4 years ago, even took a few months sabbatical 2 years ago thinking that was the lowest I could go only to learn last year under a toxic work environment that it could get a LOT worse. I now feel pretty rock bottom, I just turned 38 and already frustrated that I feel like I'm just wasting away the best years of my life because I'm so unmotivated and lost all ambition and passion now, I don't know what to do and I don't know how to leave my job (mostly, too, because there remains a sliver of possibility I can find myself again here, and heal enough TO go look for something else).
I've also tried 90% of the healing modalities you mentioned, and reading that list also makes me want to break up with myself lolol. I'm also curious about how you found gluten was the ultimate cause of your depression. Recently I tried a keto diet for 3 weeks after hearing a psychologist summarizing studies that it helps people with bi-polar and schizophrenia more often than not. I did feel marginally better, but not enough to know if it was cutting out gluten and carbs. And recently psychiatrist told me that due to being as burned out as I am, it's too difficult to determine anything else that could be wrong (and also they couldn't really do anything about the burnout, which felt so great to hear *cue eyeroll).
Maybe my question is: what is some of the bad advice you've received over the years? With anything, health, career, finance, etc
I ask that because one of the things I hate hearing the most is "you just need to be more active!" and people asking "well how much do you exercise?! you should go for walks!" (I'm saying this in my head with blonde valley girl high pitched voice as mockery btw). One of the last times I was in a depression hole (and not burned out), I picked up running to cope. I ended up running ultramarathons and did weightlifting competitions after discovering how much I liked it when taking some crossfit classes. I feel like I know how exercise affects me. But in burnout, most activity makes me feel much worse, and the more guilt and shame I put on myself to "do more!" like going for a walk or going to the gym, really just spirals me out and makes my burnout and therefore depression so much worse. My therapist finally told me to stop trying to go for walks and just sit outside. And I'm finally realizing what people mean when they say that Rest is literally the only solution to burnout. I'm not sure what you think of that, seemingly on the other side of it?