I don't think it's easy to leave our old survival mechanisms behind. They've run the show for so long and served us well and in a way I always feel I want to honour my inner workaholic/people pleaser/rebel. I want to give them an award for bravery, for getting me to this point, for keeping me alive. But I do feel I want to let them retire with a giant pension and big gold watch so they are free to go and enjoy life so they can paint, and potter and go and watch a film in the afternoon or sit with a big hat in the afternoon sun. But then as I wave them off at the retirement party, I feel a sense of panic. These old strategies got me this far. How will I survive in the world without them? How do I move forward now? You've written: 'What if not knowing, and not pretending to know, is the path now? What if, instead of trying to get back to being a version of me I recognize, I embraced moving forward into the unknown?' That's such a great question and one I will ponder. By writing posts like this you make me feel calmer. I don't feel so alone on this journey. Thank you.
These newsletters feel like the only truth I read lately. THIS is what it’s about. I appreciate your words. Take all the time you need for parts 3 and 4. I am so excited for the pleasure that Future Me will experience when she reads them. Your work is exceptional, Emily! Thank you for sharing it.
In 2016 I kept the print you made of Mohadesa Najumiis' quote about The woman who doesn't require validation around with me in my work padfolio. At the end of that year I gave notice in the field that I had worked in for 20 years - and moved my way upwards to the right until I didn't feel there was any additional room on that graph. I told many people, I saw an exit ramp and if I didn't take it, I didn't know how long till the next exit would be.
I started something new in 2017 and it was outside of my comfort zone and I really loved it. Until Jan. 7, 2021 when due to 2020 corporate revenue I was cut from the company along with a 1/3 of my co-workers.
So in 2021 I went back into the industry I left in 2017. Why? As you said "Because I know I’m good at it. Because I’ve put in my 10,000 hours many times over, and now it’s time to reap the benefits (upward and to the right). Because it’s a clear way forward. Because it represents security."
I am wildly successful and everyone loves me at work. I feel like a die a bit more everyday that I do this. I keep thinking I got out of this industry once, I will do it again. I am just looking for the right exit ramp.
Thank you for your words. It's reassuring to know I am not alone in these feelings.
So good with layers of relatable stuff. One that stood out to me — the “old kind of confidence.”
I think the culture is in a messy phase of moving away from that “swagger-y assuredness.” I work in healthcare and I’m so happy to see this shift. It’s safer for patients when everyone is open to questioning and more collaboration and double-checks happen. But I think people feel lost too.
There’s something comforting about having someone who knows a lot tell you with certainty what’s "best" to do. Having to choose from nuanced, unclear options, with unclear costs and benefits — AND with little support in making those choices — is overwhelming. I think that’s a general theme happening now for people of all ages.
Everyone’s trying to figure out too much and with too little support.
I really feel this. Medically speaking, for me it's been beneficial to have more access to information and be less reliant on doctors, mainly because I've had negative experiences with docs who missed and misdiagnosed important things. So being able to advocate for myself in this way helps me feel like I'm more in control of my situation. BUT I'm also really good at navigating information and finding support. The sheer amount of information now available is overwhelming, and often contradictory, and it's such a tremendous relief to find a trustworthy medical professional who knows a lot. Thanks for your insights and for reading!
I so appreciate and feel (minus the wild past success) the uncertainty amid life changes. I wonder how to embrace uncertainty (KT Tunstall's song "Beauty of Uncertainty" plays in my mental background) and truly live in the moment while also dealing with life (aging parent, physical ailments, menopause, teenaged daughter, retired spouse, need to keep the income and insurance, etc.). Thank you for articulating your struggles so clearly, in a way that seems both unique to you AND universally human. I appreciate you ❤️
And PS, I loved clove cigarettes too, once upon a time.
Thank you, Robin! Working on the same stuff over here with most of the same factors. I wish I had a better answer! And I appreciate you, too.
Also, did you know cloves are illegal in the USA now? I just learned this a couple years ago... the FDA banned them for being carcinogenic, so apparently there's no Big Clove lobby.
I'm at what feels like rock bottom.... though I know it could always get worse lol. It's definitely a privileged place, I haven't lost anyone, I haven't even lost my job though it feels like I should have 10 times over by now. I am definitely at the place of wanting to recognize SOMEthing (my old confidence would be great) and also knowing that moving forward toward some new version of myself is really where I need to go. I'm trying not to fight it, but also trying to keep a roof over my head so it doesn't always feel like the right time to "let go." These newsletters and ALL of these comments make me so comforted, because inside I know how life ebbs and flows and that I can't be here at the bottom forever, but it's also been long enough (2 years of spiraling down) that I lost a bit of hope. This is such a great reminder to keep going the only way I know how until answers emerge on their own sweet time apparently.
Ah, I so hear this, and you're truly not alone. "It takes as long as it takes" is an annoyingly cliché saying that's also annoyingly true. There's no timeline for the wheel to turn, but it does turn. Thanks for sharing where you're at, and I'm so happy to hear you've found a bit of comfort in my writing and this community. xo
This resonates!! No one warned me that I'd be raising teenagers, caring for sweet mama with dementia and menopause hitting all at the same time, and I'm really good at my job but also very over it. However the above familial needs keep me here. Deep breaths. Love & Aloha to all here. xo
Continuing to love your newsletters Emily! For me, straight up forgiving my earlier selves for the choices they made is the, necessary, letting go in order to move on. Like you say-choices having more to do with others, or people who I thought were watching/caring: The old imaginary audiences who I desperately wanted validation, and those early selves so willing to sacrifice their desires for a nod from real and imagined spectators. Reading your latest is so helpful to me-reminding me choosing for me is better for all. I think the pain part in all of this "growth " is reckoning with the drivers of my previous choices-for no other reason but to calibrate my compass for self preservation and mitigating regret. Too funny double Gemini-I feel that! I'm a Pisces, two of me swimming in opposite directions. I found myself down a rabbit hole trying to find my sun and moon, called mom (thank goodness I can) to see what time I was born. She will always want me to know it took 36 excruciating hours for me to emerge...LOL!
I’m one who made it through. You will too. My life in Retirement is everything I could have ever wished for. I’m not rich but I’m SO happy. Still making little shifts as tasks which were fun (like housesitting) take on a life of their own and get too demanding!! But that’s life. So many extraordinary opportunities. Enjoy the ride my dear. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes.
This read made my day, as did the title. I am so much older than you but can relate so well with your sharing inner thoughts and how you communicate through actions and words. Thank you for your work.
I have not built what you built or walked exactly where you walked, but your story is resonating deeply with me, as I am at a similar crossroads and conflicted about letting go.
I resonate with this deeply: from GenX and the upward trajectory to the right; to feeling "compelled" to actualize the "upside" of the blood sweat and tears I have put in so far; to the deconstruction of everything that has taken place; to learning to embrace that the path back to who I was when I arrived (before the world and my family of origin got its hands on me) is THE path (oh, and this path feels very much not linear). Yes, to the messy middle and the not knowing and to reminding ourselves that control is and was only an illusion. Yes to healing the trauma held in our bodies so that we can find less friction in making the choices that actually set us free.
I don't think it's easy to leave our old survival mechanisms behind. They've run the show for so long and served us well and in a way I always feel I want to honour my inner workaholic/people pleaser/rebel. I want to give them an award for bravery, for getting me to this point, for keeping me alive. But I do feel I want to let them retire with a giant pension and big gold watch so they are free to go and enjoy life so they can paint, and potter and go and watch a film in the afternoon or sit with a big hat in the afternoon sun. But then as I wave them off at the retirement party, I feel a sense of panic. These old strategies got me this far. How will I survive in the world without them? How do I move forward now? You've written: 'What if not knowing, and not pretending to know, is the path now? What if, instead of trying to get back to being a version of me I recognize, I embraced moving forward into the unknown?' That's such a great question and one I will ponder. By writing posts like this you make me feel calmer. I don't feel so alone on this journey. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Suzy-- that means a lot to hear, and I appreciate (and relate to) these words! Glad you're here.
These newsletters feel like the only truth I read lately. THIS is what it’s about. I appreciate your words. Take all the time you need for parts 3 and 4. I am so excited for the pleasure that Future Me will experience when she reads them. Your work is exceptional, Emily! Thank you for sharing it.
Emily! Thank you so much. I so appreciate this. Very happy you’re here!
In 2016 I kept the print you made of Mohadesa Najumiis' quote about The woman who doesn't require validation around with me in my work padfolio. At the end of that year I gave notice in the field that I had worked in for 20 years - and moved my way upwards to the right until I didn't feel there was any additional room on that graph. I told many people, I saw an exit ramp and if I didn't take it, I didn't know how long till the next exit would be.
I started something new in 2017 and it was outside of my comfort zone and I really loved it. Until Jan. 7, 2021 when due to 2020 corporate revenue I was cut from the company along with a 1/3 of my co-workers.
So in 2021 I went back into the industry I left in 2017. Why? As you said "Because I know I’m good at it. Because I’ve put in my 10,000 hours many times over, and now it’s time to reap the benefits (upward and to the right). Because it’s a clear way forward. Because it represents security."
I am wildly successful and everyone loves me at work. I feel like a die a bit more everyday that I do this. I keep thinking I got out of this industry once, I will do it again. I am just looking for the right exit ramp.
Thank you for your words. It's reassuring to know I am not alone in these feelings.
Thank you for sharing this, Bari. You're not alone -- and navigating this stuff is hard. So glad you're here.
So good with layers of relatable stuff. One that stood out to me — the “old kind of confidence.”
I think the culture is in a messy phase of moving away from that “swagger-y assuredness.” I work in healthcare and I’m so happy to see this shift. It’s safer for patients when everyone is open to questioning and more collaboration and double-checks happen. But I think people feel lost too.
There’s something comforting about having someone who knows a lot tell you with certainty what’s "best" to do. Having to choose from nuanced, unclear options, with unclear costs and benefits — AND with little support in making those choices — is overwhelming. I think that’s a general theme happening now for people of all ages.
Everyone’s trying to figure out too much and with too little support.
I really feel this. Medically speaking, for me it's been beneficial to have more access to information and be less reliant on doctors, mainly because I've had negative experiences with docs who missed and misdiagnosed important things. So being able to advocate for myself in this way helps me feel like I'm more in control of my situation. BUT I'm also really good at navigating information and finding support. The sheer amount of information now available is overwhelming, and often contradictory, and it's such a tremendous relief to find a trustworthy medical professional who knows a lot. Thanks for your insights and for reading!
I so appreciate and feel (minus the wild past success) the uncertainty amid life changes. I wonder how to embrace uncertainty (KT Tunstall's song "Beauty of Uncertainty" plays in my mental background) and truly live in the moment while also dealing with life (aging parent, physical ailments, menopause, teenaged daughter, retired spouse, need to keep the income and insurance, etc.). Thank you for articulating your struggles so clearly, in a way that seems both unique to you AND universally human. I appreciate you ❤️
And PS, I loved clove cigarettes too, once upon a time.
Thank you, Robin! Working on the same stuff over here with most of the same factors. I wish I had a better answer! And I appreciate you, too.
Also, did you know cloves are illegal in the USA now? I just learned this a couple years ago... the FDA banned them for being carcinogenic, so apparently there's no Big Clove lobby.
I'm at what feels like rock bottom.... though I know it could always get worse lol. It's definitely a privileged place, I haven't lost anyone, I haven't even lost my job though it feels like I should have 10 times over by now. I am definitely at the place of wanting to recognize SOMEthing (my old confidence would be great) and also knowing that moving forward toward some new version of myself is really where I need to go. I'm trying not to fight it, but also trying to keep a roof over my head so it doesn't always feel like the right time to "let go." These newsletters and ALL of these comments make me so comforted, because inside I know how life ebbs and flows and that I can't be here at the bottom forever, but it's also been long enough (2 years of spiraling down) that I lost a bit of hope. This is such a great reminder to keep going the only way I know how until answers emerge on their own sweet time apparently.
Ah, I so hear this, and you're truly not alone. "It takes as long as it takes" is an annoyingly cliché saying that's also annoyingly true. There's no timeline for the wheel to turn, but it does turn. Thanks for sharing where you're at, and I'm so happy to hear you've found a bit of comfort in my writing and this community. xo
This resonates!! No one warned me that I'd be raising teenagers, caring for sweet mama with dementia and menopause hitting all at the same time, and I'm really good at my job but also very over it. However the above familial needs keep me here. Deep breaths. Love & Aloha to all here. xo
Love, deep breaths and Aloha back at you! All of this is.... very relatable. xo
Continuing to love your newsletters Emily! For me, straight up forgiving my earlier selves for the choices they made is the, necessary, letting go in order to move on. Like you say-choices having more to do with others, or people who I thought were watching/caring: The old imaginary audiences who I desperately wanted validation, and those early selves so willing to sacrifice their desires for a nod from real and imagined spectators. Reading your latest is so helpful to me-reminding me choosing for me is better for all. I think the pain part in all of this "growth " is reckoning with the drivers of my previous choices-for no other reason but to calibrate my compass for self preservation and mitigating regret. Too funny double Gemini-I feel that! I'm a Pisces, two of me swimming in opposite directions. I found myself down a rabbit hole trying to find my sun and moon, called mom (thank goodness I can) to see what time I was born. She will always want me to know it took 36 excruciating hours for me to emerge...LOL!
:) Very much relate to all these insights, Deb. Thanks for chiming in and for being here!
I’m one who made it through. You will too. My life in Retirement is everything I could have ever wished for. I’m not rich but I’m SO happy. Still making little shifts as tasks which were fun (like housesitting) take on a life of their own and get too demanding!! But that’s life. So many extraordinary opportunities. Enjoy the ride my dear. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes.
Aw, Beth, thank you! This is the best thing I read today. You're an inspiration! xoxo
"What in God’s name am I doing in this pumpkin?" This is the absolute most perfect shorthand for so much of how I have been feeling in the past year.
I've told you this already, but: I am truly grateful you are writing here on Substack and telling your stories in this way. A gift for us all!
Thank you Nic! xoxo
Wow I feel very seen, thank you so much for this Emily. It was very comforting
This read made my day, as did the title. I am so much older than you but can relate so well with your sharing inner thoughts and how you communicate through actions and words. Thank you for your work.
Patti, thank you so much! Very happy you're here.
I have not built what you built or walked exactly where you walked, but your story is resonating deeply with me, as I am at a similar crossroads and conflicted about letting go.
Thank you, Jocelyn. Happy you're here.
I resonate with this deeply: from GenX and the upward trajectory to the right; to feeling "compelled" to actualize the "upside" of the blood sweat and tears I have put in so far; to the deconstruction of everything that has taken place; to learning to embrace that the path back to who I was when I arrived (before the world and my family of origin got its hands on me) is THE path (oh, and this path feels very much not linear). Yes, to the messy middle and the not knowing and to reminding ourselves that control is and was only an illusion. Yes to healing the trauma held in our bodies so that we can find less friction in making the choices that actually set us free.
Thank you, Kim. Really glad you're here.
Thank you Simone!